LTP

12 hours to The paper. The one about brains. One thing I've concluded, is that I lack much of the needed Long Term Potentiation. Ain't got no long term memory workin' here. It's got to be 'explicit' and 'semantic'. 'Episodic' could work too, but hardly. Lectures and tutorials aren't too favourable for remembering the experiences.

And even so. Even after 14.5 hours from now. Even after completing 6 exam papers. ..I have one more. Seriously, there've been a million exams this time. They keep coming. But soon. Soon. I have one consolation, despite the short time left to finish memorising stuff, that by Friday, I'll have no more exam papers to go through. Er, I'll still need to complete a full lab report by Monday, and also to decide which modules to register by Monday; but anyhow, Friday's good.


And not forgetting. Something happened. Something big. Something tragic. It's not too close to home and heart, but close enough. It was just there, just barely touching the edge of being in the whole network of relationships. But that's why it's been a strange grief. Too strange, I can't figure out exactly why. But it was painful, that's for sure. Perhaps, it was the sudden-ness, and the portrayal of life's fragility. Or having put oneself into another person's shoes. Or having too good an imagination. Or something. I guess, if I have to, I'd say then, that that fragility makes God's love even more real than ever. Still, I pray for much peace and comfort.

Gummy bears and Pilot pens.

Gummy bears!

It's cruel, but their yummy-licious sacrifice keeps me un-distracted. C'est la vie.

And behold! This is the Age of the Pilot Pens.

Exam's here, so what better time to do that thing with my Pilot pens again! Yes, believe it or not, they can stand. I found that out probably around this time last year.

Aannndd that's how we know that I was distracted, despite yummy-licious gummy bears. I think they were too sweet. Hah. Never had a sweet tooth.

On a side note, I discovered renewed blogging activity over at the BAY leaders' blog. Alas! It was Jeanette and Hazel. Cool. But that reminds me that I've been out of it for maybe 1.5 years.

m-hm, yeap, that's it.

It disheartens me, but it also inspires me. I see completeness and certainty, and I'm happy for them. And I'm inspired, that it can happen; it is possible. I'm touched by God's grace, I can see it clearly over there. Our recent classes have reminded me that God is not just our Father, brother and friend, He is also a great God, a powerful God. He is above all things. He is to be feared and revered. That alone refreshes my need for God.

What deters me is the 'how' of it. Empty yourself and He will fill you. Be broken before Him. Let Him be the centre of your life. Let Him touch your life. Listen to His voice. And on and on. All these, they sound good. But how on earth can they be done? How do you empty yourself? How do you break yourself? How do you offer up your life? Just, how? Once upon a time, I thought I knew. But now I'm prepared to be honest, and say I don't know. They say you just have to quieten your soul and your spirit, and listen with your heart, be in tune with God, and He will speak, and you will hear. But, how? How do you even know if you have repented?

But I'm not going to be one of those people who, because the theology of God is almost impossible to understand, and therefore, give up on it and say 'He does not exist' or 'I'm not going to give myself mental insecurities by thinking about God'. I'm not. Instead, I'm going to acknowledge that because it is incomprehensible, I am believing in a great and all-powerful God.

Change my heart, O God. That is what I plead. Change it. There's no other way I can beg for it.
And that's my prayer request, if you will.

Perhaps, then, one day I can also be complete and certain. One day I'll know what it means to have God be the centre of it all. I'll know just how. There's hope yet. Yes, yes, I might be queue no. 1049837562 in the waiting room, but I'm sure it's worth waiting for. Without hearing it, I know that God said so.

to build a dream on

Slow down, you crazy child.

That's right. Let me take a breather, if only for a moment. Reports done and submitted. The weekend here and gone. Lesson (with Klaus' absolute madness) gone through and survived (not forgetting the Ferrero Rocher as a reward). It's Monday, and a week before exams; but a cool, quiet afternoon is hard to come by. So, let me stop for a moment.

Waltzes, blues, melancholic tunes.

Kd Lang's A Kiss to Build A Dream On does fine for a sit-back-and-relax atmosphere. Except that it's not going to be a sit-back-and-relax, but a sit-up-and-focus.

Now, that I've breathed some, time to get going. First stop, neurobiology. Using my brain to study the brain. How nice.

C'est difficile, mais.. c'est la vie.