my corner of the sky

In point form (ok, not really)

2012-01-27T10:39:00.002+08:00

PageOne at Vivocity is closing for good on 19 Feb 2012. I loved that place for its size (books everywhere!) and cool stationery. It was a great place to hang out after work. Hmm, yet another brick-and-mortar bookstore gone. Sigh…

Epic gathering of Primary 6 classmates next week! We have probably only gathered one time ever since we graduated from YZPS in 1998. Pretty exciting stuff. And from what I can tell from FB, some have also come to be followers of Christ. Awesome!

Went on a holiday last year to Hanoi, Vietnam. Street BBQ dinners in Hanoi. Surviving the crazy traffic and bad air. And then the lovely peace in Halong Bay. Sure, some say it’s overrated – and it probably is – but I am easily satisfied with the peace I experienced. It may not be wise, but I think lower expectations make for a happier traveler! Hee. And I’d rather be happily satisfied about my holiday… it’d be so silly otherwise!

My dear friend C is getting married in slightly less than 2 months! Although it has been (and still is) almost hell for her to plan the wedding, I pray all that stress will be far away on that day and that S and C will rejoice in their coming together as husband and wife. And can I say more about how great C is? She decided that we bridesmaids don’t have to walk down the aisle! Apparently she has attended weddings with this exception and she knows that we are the type who would be happier not walking down the aisle with frozen smiles and nerves and whatnot. Love that girl.

And lastly, I’m engaged! ;) If I have to say one thing, kudos to the boy who pulled off the surprise successfully, especially when surprises don’t always sit well with me! Well, he had some help – the fact I was dazed by all the beef at Morton’s, also convinced that procrastination had won him over, and his colleague who acted well. And I give thanks to God for loving and blessing us.

Something blog-worthy?

2011-12-13T10:11:00.002+08:00

The day I might have eaten a plastic nose piece which had broken off my glasses.

Yeap. One moment I had it in my left hand and with my right, I had picked up the phone. After the call ended, the nose piece was nowhere to be found. Unless it dropped into my breakfast in front of me...

Where art thou, O little one?!?

Hoping in God and looking to Jesus

2011-09-20T10:25:00.001+08:00

First things first, I have been living my life my way, instead of God’s way.

Second, I knew I was doing things wrongly, and I needed to return to God. I ‘tried’ but always ended up turning away anyway.

Third, from the recent lessons on Isaiah, I learnt that ‘hope in God never disappoints’. At the same time, I have taken baby steps towards Him, by following a copy of ODJ I picked up in church. I told myself that even if I was not very focused or interested, I must make at least spend some time reading and even thinking about God. It was better than not doing it at all. This is also another lesson learnt from BSF that we must intentionally make time for God, even if we knew that God would break through to us in His own way.

So, I assumed the stance of waiting. Waiting for God to bring me back to Him. Because I knew that if I depended on my own strength and own ways, I would simply tire myself anyway and fall away again.

Then, on Sunday, I think I received comfort and reassurance from the Lord during worship!

We sung:

You did not wait for me – to draw near to You
But You clothed Yourself with frail humanity
You did not wait for me – to cry out to You
But You let me hear Your voice calling me

I was reminded that, in a way, half of my wait for God was already accomplished – in Jesus! True, we can still ‘wait’ for God to work in our lives now, but it is also true that Jesus had come. And this is recorded in the Bible, to which we have easy access. Even though there are times that we find it hard to listen or see the invisible God, we always have the Bible in our hands (and smartphones) and we can open it and read it.

Two things I think God told me:

As I wait for God, I may have to wait for awhile, and I may not fully understand what God has in plan for me, but for now, I can definitely find God in His Word.
As I wait for God, I may still be lost about what to do. So I can look to Jesus as the best example!

In light of this, today’s ODJ session for me was timely as it spoke about unity and humility among believers, where Paul reminded the people to ultimately look to Jesus as the example (Philippians 2:1-11).

So, I am waiting with hope in God which will never disappoint. And perhaps with less sense of being lost, because I am reminded to look to Jesus.

(Anyway, something like a disclaimer, I am not often this hopeful and it is always difficult! It is very likely that right after I blog this, I go back to my ‘wilful ways’. Ugh.

So… only by God’s grace and mercy!!!)

Invisible, inconsequential, me.

2011-09-02T12:29:00.001+08:00

I’m a person who shies away from attention, I don’t desire for it.

I’m also a person who is forgettable, and I’m actually pretty used to it. I expect to be forgotten.

But..

I guess it still hurts a little, knowing that even though I stand at a place where I thought I would at least have an outline or a shadow, I’m still invisible, inconsequential.

I’m not riled up, instead am resigned to it, I think to myself what’s new?

But, you know, this isn’t like other situations (I wouldn’t care less), so it does hurt.

(Hmm, I’m strangely identifying with ‘Mister Cellophane’ in ‘Chicago’! You’d notice him… )

Perhaps it just doesn’t seem that way to others. I suppose I’m nowhere near?

Then I guess I’m just getting what I deserve, reaping what I sow, taking in what I gave.

Yet, even as I’m typing this, something tells me to simply drop this and look to Jesus instead. Even if I am invisible and inconsequential to others, I am seen and loved by Jesus. And that’s all that matters, right?

For all the human injustice I feel, dear Lord help me to remember that recognition from man will never satisfy, but only in you, can we find true satisfaction.

Erm, not really.

2011-08-14T22:29:00.004+08:00

Some steps to fitting in:
1) Teasing people whenever you see an opportunity to do so.
2) Jeer. Call them 'losers' when they lose a game.
3) Play games in which the only way to win, is to inflict pain.
and many others..

Do all these, even if you don't really mean it or don't really want to. You're 'friends' after all and you understand one another.
_________________

Erm, no, not really. The above is total bull, in case you didn't get it.

I'm too strict and boring and no fun, but I'd rather be these, than put myself in a position where I would potentially do things I'd regret. Granted, I am guilty of saying very mean things and I recognise it as something I need to correct!

Unfortunately, I feel terribly alienated and alone with my beliefs, even if with people I'm supposed to shared these beliefs with. And unfortunately again, it doesn't seem possible to 'remove' myself or 'flee' from having to face these issues. Darn it.

Dangerous place.

2011-05-09T20:57:00.003+08:00

Even though I had previously blogged about the dangers of Facebook, I hadn't actually spent much time there in one sitting. Well, I had that experience during that intense night of GE results, which probably means my verdict in this post isn't very fair now. Anyhow, I concluded that I'm not suited to hang out in Facebook for long periods of time.

I attribute my frustration to the fancy-shmancy look of FB. People's posts appear like well-thought-through entries to me. I assumed those words passed through their brains and were filtered through sensibility before appearing up there. I guess I was wrong. Then again, maybe even passing through their brains, it would still have been the same. Hmm.

In any case, it's a bad place for me. I get annoyed and riled up too easily because of the things people say. Or perhaps, in retrospect, it's a good thing. Because it's so easy for them to say what's first on their minds, there's less hypocrisy? We see people for who they really are?

Aiyah, anyone is just as likely to be real as to be a hypocrite, in both the cyberspace and in real life. Fact.

On a more self-pity note, I should not spend much time in FB because I get depressed. More often than not, I feel like my friends' lives are moving ahead and progressing and exciting and fulfilling, while I'm moving on slow and stagnant and under-achieving and just boring.

That's no way to compare. In fact, throw out the idea of comparison. Remind myself, I can find true satisfaction in Christ.

FB - bad place. Log out.

Just a moment older.

2011-04-11T10:10:00.006+08:00

I don't like and don't want to announce my birthday, but I just had to ponder out loud.. Is it so strange that I'm working as usual, on my birthday? My parents and one other person so far have expressed slight surprise that I'm not on leave.

Last year, it fell on a Sunday, so I suppose this is my first time experiencing it on a working day, not like it's much of an 'experience'. Just another day, as far as I know. And a Monday, no less!! Oh the Monday blues. Then again, I like blue, and I like listening to the blues. Hee.

"You're a year older!" Something I'd say to any birthday boy/girl too. But frankly, it's not like I turned 24 on this day last year, and then remained the same until today, when I suddenly aged another year. I'm a day older than yesterday, hah! Heck, I'm a moment older than the previous moment. ;)

I like this quote I saw on a friend's t-shirt, one of those obvious in-your-face statements: "So far, this is the oldest I've ever been." True, so true.

Really a dream or dreamily real?

2011-02-22T09:10:00.002+08:00

It's morning and everything goes on as usual. And today, you feel exhausted and lousy. Ah, you remember the bad night you had. Waking up countless of times from vivid dreams that don't remain as vivid memories. But you remember the worst of these.. A dream or something real? Because it felt real.

Seemed like a nightmare when you felt your hands being gripped tightly by phantom hands. Strong, manly hands, neither warm nor cold. So tight and so close, you can't move at all. You're gripped by fear, you can't move anyway. And then you open your eyes, and you see nothing. But the invisible hands are still there, you still can't move. Your heartbeat going fast, you close your eyes again and pray to the dear Lord to deliver you from whatever it is.

And now all you can remember is that you had a series of other moments of waking up. You can't exactly remember how that one ended. A dream? Or something real?

Whether it was a very vivid nightmare with tactile sensations, or a real attack, the fear was real, and the prayer was really made.

After all, "Sleep hath its own world, and a wide realm of wild reality, and dreams in their development have breath, and tears, and tortures, and the touch of joy" - The Dream, Lord Byron (1816)

Just before I slept, I had prayed for forgiveness and for a change of heart, I have been dragging my feet too long, going the wrong way. Whatever that experience was, I honestly feel disheartened now, but my mind tells me to hope it doesn't stay that way.

Gotta love Garfield.

2011-02-12T11:33:00.003+08:00

Garfield Comics, 1 February 2011

Jon: "Are you sleeping?"
Garfield: "No. I'm too busy answering stupid questions!"

Haha, I think most of us would have experienced something similar at some point!

And then, my all-time favourite.. The cut-out from the newspaper is still fastened onto my diy notice board! Can't remember the date it was posted though..

Jon: "Everyday you seem to get a little bit lazier."
Garfield: "You got that right. That's how I maintain my number one ranking, baby!"

Hah.

Being sensibly sociable

2011-01-26T13:39:00.002+08:00

Some people are sociable in ways I cannot comprehend. Probably never ever.

Then again, 'some people' probably represents about half of the world's population. 1 in every 2 persons.

Oh well.

But this post is a little biased, for it arose solely from the observation on Facebook (yes, I logged into Facebook!!) that some people tend to comment with nothing but a laugh or some other short and not very consequential remark, as if already engaged in face-to-face conversation. I'm amused.

I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing, though. I'm just amused.

If that's being sociable, I think I won't make it! Hah! I'd rather strike a conversation with an 'auntie' salesperson at the department store while waiting.. Oh hey, I did just that yesterday. ;)

I admit, it was out of character. I surprised myself, but.. Good job, Hozzy!

Are you a wise Facebook user?

2011-01-20T10:52:00.006+08:00

This has been discussed widely out there, but it still came as shock to me, to discover that if I wanted to find out the latest updates about someone, just log in to Facebook.

To show that I’m not out to diss FB, I would say the advantages are obvious:
- It’s simple and quick. Just log in and you’ll find out instantly what’s been going in someone’s life. And even other people as well. (Basic assumption that the person enters status updates regularly.)
- Reaches a large group of people very easily. Organising events, spreading good news etc, can be done easily and effectively.
- Bottomline is, regardless of whether it’s Facebook or any other social networking medium, you get the information you seek. You find out about a friend’s troubles, happiness, and you are able to respond and build your relationship with that person. So, regardless of what goes on in between, you do achieve your aim of connecting with another person.

But I’m biased. I would hate to find myself relying more and more on FB (or any other social networking medium) in order to find out how my friend’s doing. On a normal day, I’d rather remain un-informed or at least drop an SMS. It’s just something in me that is adverse to this form of reliance on a virtual thing, I can’t really explain. I figure that if I’m not willing to make a little effort to sms or call you, then I’m probably not really interested in you.

One simple example is invitation to events through Facebook. Sure, it’s an excellent tool to organise your event, invite people, spread the news, find out who’s attending. But hey, we know that some of our friends don’t have an account of their own. So, do you invite them via other means like email, sms, a call? Do you really care? Yeah, enough said.

Likewise, if you don't sms, email or a call about something wonderful or something terribly sad, then maybe I don’t really need to know. If I happen to log into FB and find out, fine. If not, too bad.

If anyone should think that this reliance on the virtual reality doesn’t exist or that it can be controlled or prevented, think again. I think there is enough proof out there to show that people can become reliant on or addicted to FB, from the extreme of incidents arising from social disorders (arising from overuse of FB) to our own friends struggling with pulling themselves away from FB.

I don’t deny the power of FB and the advantages it can bring, if wisely used. After all, I have an account myself! I just think the fact that FB has such power to become something necessary in a person’s life, is a sad truth. It is a useful tool, no doubt, but it shouldn't become the only tool.

It’s ironic though, FB was created by humans, but now it controls them. So sad, so stupid. And if I may quote the fictional Dr Bailey of GA: “Like I said, the stupidity of the human race.”

(Obviously I probably don't care much for who reads this, otherwise I would share it through Facebook! Hah!)

Choose Peace: It is well with my soul

2011-01-13T09:47:00.003+08:00

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like sea billows, roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
‘It is well, it is well, with my soul’

I am always moved when singing this song, because it reminds me in an in-your-face way, that I can be at peace, God’s type of peace, in both good and bad circumstances. The kind of peace that ‘surpasses all understanding’ (Philippians 4:7) and that is given by Jesus and unlike what the world gives (John 14:27).

And even better, the repeated phrase ‘It is well, it is well with my soul’, also in the refrain, isn’t meant to be uttered out of hopeless desperation or blindless determination. But it is sung, not only in peace and gentleness, but also in faith, knowing and trusting that God is in control, God is with us.

Maybe it doesn't always feel that way and God knows how impossible it is when we find ourselves stuck in a rut.

But I believe in first making the choice to trust God, and then let Him do the rest. I have learnt that I myself have to choose to let go and let God take over. ('Let go and Let God' Isn't that someone's pet phrase? Hmm.)

Perhaps we should intentionally challenge ourselves to choose peace, and see how that works out to our circumstances, our relationships (with God and with others), our hearts.

Forgiveness

2010-12-29T15:48:00.002+08:00

Interestingly, the message on Christmas Eve was on Forgiveness. How very apt for a bunch of close friends.

Most of the points I already agree with, but it’s just reassuring to have them emphasized by the Senior Pastor. And what a night indeed, witnessing the turnaround of a man who strayed and now has returned. I hope that truly reassures us that God can and will work miracles!

I do remember being struck by a point SP mentioned, about the common phrase ‘forgive and forget’. This phrase essentially caters to our selfish desires, to free ourselves from the anger and bitterness. On the other hand, forgiveness isn’t about freeing ourselves, but it’s about pardoning the ‘offender’, freeing him of the guilt. I’ve never looked at it that way! Though sometimes the consequences cannot be avoided, but forgiveness can and should still be shown.

I think most of us Christians know this already. That we should forgive just because God has already forgiven us. It was costly though; Christ’s death was the payment. Yet, it was freely given to us. So, since God forgave us for our sins and freed us from eternal death and this has already been done, what’s it to us that we forgive each other for temporary, earthly wrongdoings?

But, as with most Christian teachings, easier said than done. Especially if the ‘wrongdoing’ seems particularly serious and undeserving of forgiveness. But, as if we deserved God’s forgiveness…

I’m reminded of the message given during Roy and Sheralyn’s wedding yesterday. Marks of a Christian: Love, Prayer and the Pursuit and Practice of Holiness.
Regarding the third point, the speaker said this, that the greatest goal of our lives in Jesus is not the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of holiness.

So if we truly were to grow to become like Him, showing God’s kind of love, praying to Him constantly, and pursuing and practicing God’s holiness, I suppose forgiveness shouldn’t be too hard. Yeaahh right. Hallelujah for that day when any of us can easily forgive, because it’ll always be tough, even almost impossible, to have to put others before ourselves, let alone our ‘offenders’.

At this point, I feel the need to point out one thing. I believe that this forgiveness is about pardoning the ‘offender’ first, like by default. And then working out whatever needs to be worked out later. But forgive first. Because God didn’t wait for us to say sorry or present our case or make amendments, before He sent Jesus to die for us.

So here’s the thing, can we forgive now? Maybe not knowing why it was done, or even if it was done at all (could have been our own fault!), can we forgive first? Before we receive apologies, explanations, amendments, will we make the choice to be like Christ?

I can’t speak for myself, because I’m really good at remembering wrongdoings and bearing grudges and staging cold wars. So, I do pray that God changes me, to become someone who will forgive like He forgave me. We all need to pray this!

By His Grace...

"Peace on earth"

2010-12-24T12:24:00.000+08:00

Today’s sharing on RBC touches on ‘peace on earth’. It raised an interesting point about how Jesus had already come to give us what is needed for peace, so it’s more of our own decisions that lead to peace or not. Jesus had spoken about peace, told us how to live, told us to forgive. Paul also reminded us to live peaceably with one another as much as possible.

Jesus has given us the ability to choose peace over strife. But which of us are doing that now? How often have we chosen to quarrel instead of forgiving or settling the matter amiably?

Anyway, I don’t think peace equals quietness, silence, sweeping-it-under-the-carpet, don’t-talk-to-me, leave-me-alone… For the latter three, I think they are the exact opposite of peace. A quiet strife, silent struggles, unspoken frustration.

So, let alone quarrels, silent cold wars count as strife too.

Gotta look to Jesus…

Give thanks.

2010-12-17T11:51:00.002+08:00

It was great that the theme (or at least I think it was the theme) of BAFOP was about giving thanks. Here, I give thanks to God for enabling me to do whatever I've done that earned praise from my bosses for the past year's work. (It's funny that I still constantly feel like they have seriously overrated me or been blinded to my failures.)

I think it was in CL's sermon that it was emphasized how easy it is for us to think that it has been in our own effort that we had our successes. So before I am drawn to think that I can lay claim to the 'praise', I want to acknowledge that it is God who has enabled me.

I wouldn't dare to say that I had truly worked 'heartily as for the Lord, rather than for men' (Col 3:23). If I recall correctly, most of the time I've simply been trying to complete the work, meet the deadline, do it well. And I had made plenty of poor decisions as well. But I suppose, knowing all these shortfalls, I can see God's grace is more apparent in this outcome!

Even for times when I've felt like a failure, I give thanks that He has conditioned my heart and mind to not be depressed, but to learn from it and keep moving forward.

Most of all, I give thanks that He gave me a great work environment in my first career! Wonderful colleagues plus an organisational vision to serve the nation (as opposed to making profits)? Works for me. :)

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

Muscle woes

2010-11-16T14:38:00.002+08:00

I've always found this commercial hilarious, the one where the man's feet were so tired and overworked that they detached themselves (without blood and gore) and threatened to jump off a building. An Osim commercial, I think.

I'm pretty sure my arm's feeling the same way, I can feel like it's trying to pull away from me and go find a masseuse or something. Okay, not really, but it pretty much feels like it would if it could. I guess I've been overworking it. Heavier bags. That two-week training. General preference to use right hand than the left (duh, right-handed). And the attitude of go all the way now, worry later. I'd bend my wrist in an awkward position to reach something in my bag, feel the strain, worry for a second, assure myself ah it's only for awhile, and just go ahead. I'd lean on it, probably too much.. and then worry later.

Whatever the cause, my right arm's sore. Maybe it's not that bad actually, but in the cold cold office climate, it's definitely exaggerated no matter what. I feel the need to laugh it off because it kinda feels just like the kind of soreness when we laugh too hard. The next closest description would be the M cramps.. Ohh, well, those are much worse.

And now I really see, dear Hazel, that it IS almost impossible not to use the right hand. I could try to use my left hand more, but then give me double the amount of time to complete the task.

Anyway it's like my muscles went on a serng mueh feast. I really need to move around more (read: exercise). Or better, Lindy again.

To God be the glory

2010-08-26T14:04:00.003+08:00

Today I received much praise from men – quite important men, I’d say. But I’m straddling across two feelings now – happiness, and dread. Of course I’m happy, my efforts are recognized! But I’m dreading this because I don’t know how I can totally submit my pride to God above. I should and I want to give Him all the glory, but I don’t trust myself to be able to do that.

I mean, I know the facts well in my mind. I know I had put in lots of effort, energy and frustration into that project. I know I did some things beyond what was expected and did it well. So by human’s standards, I deserve the praise.

Yet, without God, I wouldn’t have gotten through the many things in my life that I can end up here today. In fact, without God, I’d be nothing. So, no, I deserve nothing, but everything belongs to God.

I don’t even want to think about how I might deserve something, because I believe that’s up to God to decide what He wants for me. My job alone, is to look to God and say, It’s Your glory, not mine. I don’t want anything, because in God, I already have everything I need.

I know, I probably seem like I’m being ‘black-and-white’ here, but I really don’t think we’d gain anything (in fact, we’d lose badly) if we try to compromise the Christian life and fit it to our liking. I feel like if I take any credit because of my skills and abilities, then I would have already considered myself apart from God. I’d have already claimed that God, this is my life, it’s got nothing to do with You. I’d have denied Christ.

But by giving all glory to Him, by saying that even my secular achievements belong to Him, I’d be claiming that all my skills and abilities came from Him, and therefore, everything goes back to Him.

This is tricky business. Because some of us would say, hey come on you worked so hard for it, you should deserve at least something. My question is, at what point can I say that I'm not putting myself above God? At what point can I acknowledge my own efforts, yet not put myself on equal footing with God and 'share' His glory? I can't answer that, I don't trust my own heart. So instead I shall choose to follow the Bible. Didn’t Paul say something about all these – in fact, he ‘consider[s] them rubbish, that I may gain Christ’. (Philippians 3:7-9)

Now, please pray with me, to believe and follow through all that I’ve said. To consider these praises and achievements as rubbish, that I may gain Christ. To give glory to God, because it belongs to Him.

Take time to be holy

2010-08-18T11:20:00.005+08:00

Take time to be holy,
Speak oft with thy Lord;
Abide in Him always,
And feed on His Word.
Make friends of God's children;
Help those who are weak;
Forgetting in nothing
His blessing to seek.

Take time to be holy,
The world rushes on;
Much time spend in secret
With Jesus alone;
By looking to Jesus,
Like Him thou shalt be;
Thy friends in thy conduct
His likeness shall see.

Take time to be holy,
Let Him be thy guide,
And run not before Him
Whatever betide;
In joy or in sorrow
Still follow the Lord,
And, looking to Jesus,
Still trust in His Word.

Take time to be holy,
Be calm in thy soul;
Each thought and each motive
Beneath His control;
Thus led by His spirit
To fountains of love,
Thou soon shalt be fitted
For service above.

Lyrics: William Dunn Longstaff

My top lament recently was that I had no time to live. From the time I wake up at 6.30am to 6.00pm when work ends, those 12.5 hrs are essentially dedicated to work. That’s 5 days a week. Take away travelling time to get home, dinner time, bath time, sleep time, I barely have 1.5 to 2 hrs to ‘live’. And that’s just for myself. What about time that I need to commit for loved ones?

But when this song came around, it kind of shook me up. What kind of ‘time’ have I been thinking of? I think it was the worldly time, the kind of time that we so painfully feel slipping away from our physical selves, the biological clock ticking away to eventual death, well, physically. I’ve been focusing on my life on earth, worrying for the earthly pleasures I’m missing out.

I’d forgotten that I had another clock to look at, the real clock. The one that doesn’t end for all eternity. “Take time to be holy, The world rushes on; Much time spend in secret, with Jesus alone.” That’s just saying, hello, so what if you don’t have the so-called time to watch entertainment, play games etc etc, who cares? Time spent with Jesus is way better!

I’d been drawn into worldly pleasures, and thus felt the intense need for more more more, and the constant dissatisfaction. I’d been so unsatisfied with life, simply because I hadn’t been living the right one.

Well, now the real challenge comes around, practical Christian living. We’ll see.

2010-08-02T11:14:00.002+08:00

Before I succumbed to nausea during my flight back, I managed to catch the movie "Dear John". Well, either I was already emotionally charged from leaving, or the movie's truly sob material.

The quote that's stuck in my head now, spoken by female lead character 'Savannah Curtis':
"The problem with time, I've learned, ... eventually time always runs out."

Sentimental lah.

2010-06-13T12:05:00.005+08:00

Ah ma’s passing and then Elok’s leaving, are the same type of change in life that makes it so apparent that life moves on. These are the type that hits you like a punch in the stomach, knocks the breath out of you. One moment here, the next moment gone.

We can’t help it. We will always feel like we’ve taken things for granted and regret the past. We cannot avoid feeling like we could have done more while we could, because we will always be able to find something more.

Sure, our helper didn't die, she’s alive and well, just not with us. We’ve said goodbyes to friends too, right? But friends are friends, there’s always a chance that you will see them again. But our helper is like our employee, we don’t really have any reason to expect to meet ever again. Perhaps we will, but chances are unlikely.

So for both of these events, I feel a certain painful ache in my chest. It’s my reluctance for things to change. But things don’t really change right? Except for housework, life’s pretty much the same. I still go to work, I still do the same things everyday. And it’s not like I chat with her. What’s different?

It’s just a certain loss, an empty space. Something was once there and now it’s not. And it’ll always be sudden. For Ah ma as well, memories remain so vivid, it’s still so easy to recall what it was like before. You’d think that as time passes, it gets less painful. Sure, you think about it a lot less, but when you do think about it again, it’s like opening up old wounds, and the pain’s exactly the same. Old habits die hard. Perhaps more time then.

That’s life. Things change, but things also stay exactly the same. What should I do about that?

I guess, I don’t deal with loss very well after all. Too sentimental.

Ready?

2010-05-18T14:30:00.004+08:00

Wow. I've come across a number of blogs where believers talk about our faith in God. Just take a look at the comments from other people, pretty hardcore!

It makes me wonder, if I were placed in a position to stand up for God, would I be ready? Would I only have a few weak statements that hardly accurately point out who God is, or would I be ready with, not lengthy, but solid words that directly tell you who God is, what He's done, and your choice today is either Yes or No?

It is our responsibility to present the case for Christ. In that sense, we are stewards of the Gospel we've received, and we have to pass it whole to another. It cannot be shaped into something else, or have parts of it shaved off just to fit to the other person's level of acceptance. It has to be given whole, and taken whole.

We should always be aware of when we are merely trying to help someone understand, and when we are actually diluting or twisting the gospel. We want to be God's instruments, not stumbling blocks.

After each promise

2010-05-13T08:30:00.003+08:00

But as for me, I shall sing of Thy strength;

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Thy lovingkindness in the morning,

For Thou hast been my stronghold,

And a refuge in the day of my distress.

O my strength, I will sing praises to Thee;

For God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness.

Psalms 59:16-17

Chicago

2010-04-29T08:52:00.002+08:00

Come on, babe, why don’t we paint the town..
and all that jazz

“Chicago” was awesome!!! And I was just a happy bundle in my seat, mouthing the words to most of the songs. I didn’t realize I’d watched the movie version and listened to the soundtrack so much. Yikes. AND even that was a long time ago.

And who, in case she doesn’t hang, can say she started with a bang?
Roxie Hart!

The cast was great; Roxie, Velma... The dancers were great.
And oh, no one could possible forget Amos aka Mr Cellophane. It’s sweet irony. His character is all about being plain and invisible to the world, and I actually thought he’d sadly turn out to be a forgotten character on the set. But no, at the end, he had the audience cheering for him. I guess he touched our hearts, especially the part in all of us who could empathise with being like cellophane.

.. ‘cause you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I’m there.

Even the guy in the movie had done a pretty good job.

It was truly enjoyable. Great everything: singing, acting, dancing, music, props, flow… Lots of talent.
Definitely worth it.

Truthfully though, if you just want to “stay away from jazz and liquor”, don’t watch this. No doubt funny and artistic and really great, it’s dark (adultery, murder, corruption, to name a few) and sensual and full of ladies in stockings and men in tights, … and all that jazz. Stick to Phantom of the Opera. Or Glee, for you young’uns.

Yeah, but did you do it?
Uh-uh,not guilty!

Day 5...

2010-04-19T09:19:00.002+08:00

... floating on the ocean.

So it seems I'd somehow gotten off the boat, onto the ocean and just bobbing on the surface of the world wide waters.

Pretty sure it started off as a clinical, pathological condition. Now, I'm not sure if it has become something psychological, powerfully psychological. I was almost normal this morning, all the from walking out of my room to getting into the car, I didn't remember having any problems at all. And then I felt it again. Sigh.

Whatever. God help me get through the day. Already gotten past four, what's another day?

Day 3 on the boat

2010-04-17T15:07:00.002+08:00

Bobbing sensation is best description I think. Sometimes, it feels like you're being crushed to the ground. Physics thing, as the floor rises, and you're standing still, for the first moments your inertia causes you to feel like you're being compressed.

Well I had quite alot of sleep last night. But I guess one night of rest can't do much sometimes.

I'm starting to get used to it.

Oh, how apt that the company's D&D theme is Voyage Extravaganza! I think I'm well into that theme. In my head, at least.

Now to complete the picture, I'll need Leo, and Le Cœur de la Mer. Hehe.

Mdds?

2010-04-16T14:17:00.001+08:00

I’ve been on a plane for two whole days. Or a ship. Or at least, it seemed like it. Within the mind, bobbing up and down, yawing here and there.. It’s like winning a ticket on a plane ride with continuous supply of fuel to go on and on and on.

Mal de debarquement Syndrome? But I haven’t had it every day. Mostly when really tired, like early in the morning, lean forward to rinse your mouth or wash your face, and woah, rocked forward a little. Or ‘rocked forward’ a little. Hah.

Whatever it is, it’s like a lasting souvenir from that flight to US two years ago. Thank you for flying with us, and.. may you continue to do so. Muahahah. It’s like the airplane version of Hotel California – you can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave. Cue horror music right now.

Maybe two days ago I was just too burnt out and so it triggered it off badly. And made it last for the past two days. Usually it’s only when I’m leaning forward, or bending down, or just in a place with the background hum of air-conditioning. Now it’s almost all the time. And since I’m in the office all day, I’m constantly ‘on the plane’. Even now, sitting down, and not moving anything but my hands, I’m on a ‘rocking ship’. In fact I think a modern cruise is more stable than this.

Well, I count my blessings, at least I’m not wrecked with nausea. I’m totally alright except for the constant mild disorientation. I survived one of the busiest work days yesterday, travelled between places and did various things, and hey I’m still alive!

For one, it’s definitely all in my head, I’m not really rocking to and fro, cuz no one noticed! Hah! That, or I conceal very well.

Well now, I can say that I have an unbalanced mind. Hah.

d/c-ed

2010-04-04T14:26:00.003+08:00

I feel disconnected. No, I am disconnected. From everyone and everything.. worst of all, from God. Probably have been this way for some time, until I suddenly though to look up and around and see myself trapped in.. disconnectedness. It feels worse this way; if you stay oblivious, you'd never have to feel trapped.

Everyone's moving on. Life moves on for them and they go out and experience wonderful things. They progress and they grow. They live.

I'm trapped in routines and addictions. Addicted to routines, because it's good if nothing changes.

Trapped, because I want to get out. But the other part of me wants to stay in, close my eyes and just forget it. Everyday I lose to that part of me. See? I even know that that's a loss.

I could tell myself that I'm praying, and that I'm holding on. The likely truth is that I have already lost that stronghold long ago, and have sunken into this thing.

Meaningless meaningless. I while myself away with meaningless things. What's the point?

MUfHH - Am I looking to God?

2010-01-22T10:16:00.004+08:00

Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest never fails to open my eyes to a refreshing perspective. Refreshing, because I should have known it, and I probably knew it, but I had forgotten. And importantly, he always brings us round to remember that our goal is God is himself, not even our service to God, or other godly people or books.

January 22, 2010

Am I Looking To God?

Look to Me, and be saved . . . —Isaiah 45:22

Excerpts:

Do we expect God to come to us with His blessings and save us? He says, "Look to Me, and be saved..." The greatest difficulty spiritually is to concentrate on God ...

... Many of us have a mental picture of what a Christian should be, and looking at this image in other Christians’ lives becomes a hindrance to our focusing on God. ...

... Wake yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter how many things seem to be pressing in on you, be determined to push them aside and look to Him. "Look to Me . . . ." Salvation is yours the moment you look.

Peace

2010-01-08T10:37:00.004+08:00

I think my favourite time of the day is the quiet of the evening, when there is one. I always imagine a moment like this: sitting by the window, with the evening sun coming in and casting shadows that grow longer with every passing minute. And it's cool and gently warm at the same time. It's serene, calm. In a setting like our HDB neighbourhood, you hear people coming home, gates opening and closing, traffic from a distance, you smell dinner...

Okay, know what? I correct myself, I don't just like the quiet of the evening, I like the quiet of any time of the day, really. Hah!
Doesn't have to be silent. It's the peace I'm talking about (so office doesn't count). The breather. The pause.

Peace.
Have you heard of the peace prayer of St. Francis of Assisi?

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

This is just it, that if we are to be instruments of our own lives, we would surely fail, run out of energy, fall apart, or just become old and weak. No doubt about that. But if we are to be instruments of righteousness for God, we will be channels through which He will love His people. We will not run out of energy, we will be renewed and refilled. We will not feel under-appreciated, because the glory goes to God anyway.

Lord, make me Your instrument. While I hand over all my worries and burdens to You, may I also surrender the praises and glories to You.

Most of all, even in seeking to be Your instrument, may my heart's purpose not be to appear as a good Christian and serve myself, but rather to serve You and You only.

To drink or not to drink?

2009-12-21T10:16:00.002+08:00

After a week to simmer down, I have not changed sides. How can beer or any alcohol-laden beverage be helpful to being instruments of righteousness? What, you become more sociable? You become part of the group and so they open up to you? What?

At least for now, I stand by the fact that alcohol can potentially take you to somewhere really dangerous, while a similar amount of water or ice-lemon tea or coke, would simply take me to the loo to empty my bladder. Okay, fine, maybe to the hospital for kidney dialysis too.

If you would down a few bottles of beer in one night, would you have done the same with a few bottles of ice lemon tea? I don't think so, you'd have drunk only one glass of tea.

Okay, so maybe some people can get high on tea, or coca-cola. But that's hardly more physiological than psychological. Alcohol, will do that to you, whether you want it or not. It can chemically alter your mental state.

Fine, so you don't get drunk from a few bottles. Like, what's the big deal, right?
Well, at the very least, please remember that you don't live in a world of your own. I don't believe in saying, who cares what other people think? I'm me. That's crap, because, see, no man is an island, or don't be a stumbling block to others. Whatever, take your pick. I mean, I couldn't care less if you got crazy drunk on your own because, hey, I wouldn't know. But in front of those younger than you, who you are supposed to protect, whose hearts and minds you were supposed to guard? Fixing up images of drinking and having fun? Throwing temptations right into their face? Way to go.

Don't even begin to compromise with consuming alcoholic drinks. Don't even begin to compromise. Because, just like intimate relationships, you will cross the line before you even know it. I'll be specific here, that camp so was not just about relationships; it was about your entire life in Christ, right?

That was the biggest problem actually. Isolated area, no adults (except one who was such a great disappointment), leaders who I don't know what they were thinking (or at all)... I think that was the first time I ever just up-and-go. If I didn't, I might have freaked out really bad.

See, it wasn't so much about the alcohol, but about the attitude. The attitude of wanting to consume it for I-dunno-what reason. The attitude that it is okay. The lack of the attitude of being careful about it. The lack of the attitude of looking out for others.

I know, I know, what about communion, right? Don't we drink a small amount of alcohol in the form of Port every Sunday? Well, I'm no good at arguments, and I admit I'm just heavily biased and led by my heart. But well, all I can say is, tell me how remembering that Christ died for us on the cross, has got to do with leisure consumption of much greater amounts of the spirit. Oh, you know what 'spirit' I'm talking about.

Well, I suppose I haven't simmered down much. Apologies.
I'm not doing much better so I have no right to say this much. Who knows, maybe I'm so bothered because, I feared that it would be me who would drink and cross the line. I face an internal conflict with the discovery of a palatable Red Moscato, during which I also remember feeling extremely embarrassed because I know my face and ears were red. To drink or not to drink? Just one glass? Why not, none?

A whole lotta bull.

2009-12-15T08:49:00.004+08:00

May the mind of Christ, my Savior,
Live in me from day to day,
By His love and power controlling
All I do and say.

Are we really living with the mind of Christ in us? Are we truly chasing after God's heart? Are our lives really changed?

Are we unconsciously seeking to compromise our behavior? Are we saying "aiya it's okay lah"?
No such thing as 'outside the church', because, like a pastor recently said, we are the church.

Are we guarding the minds and hearts of our young?

On the other hand...
Am I being self-righteous? Am I being legalistic and other -istics?
I'm no better, really.
Yeah, maybe it's just me and my hypocrisy.

But frankly, until we can face those questions with our souls uncovered, don't talk about revival; it'd just be bull. A whole lotta bull.

My dancing mitral valve. ;)

2009-12-09T11:33:00.003+08:00

I have been MVP(Mitral Valve Prolapse)-free since 2005, but there is still a mysterious mid-systolic click that nudges at my doctor's worry nerves. Which is why I have been on follow-up for 4 years since.
Well, she finally discharged me, albeit with a low level of worry and an open-date referral letter to a future doctor, in which she referred to me as a 'lovely young lady'. ;)

And, oh, I had a free Echo scan as well. But while I'm glad I didn't need to pay a hundred bucks or more for the scan, I was a tad disappointed that I had to go through the pain. Again. And now I also know that the ordeal's actually longer than usual, because they would be, in doc's words, "desperately searching for the cause of the click". Ouch. Roll and press, roll and press. Ouch.

Well, the click could be from my very cute mitral valve. Why cute? Because it does this fluttering/dancing thing. Watching the screen of the Echo machine, we saw that the valve opens and closes alright, but it also flutters a little. Pretty amazing. For a split second, I entertained the idea that being a Lindy-Hopper gave my mitral valve some dancing character. Hah!

The valve's slightly thickened, but yet not definitive of MVP. And it functions alright by opening and closing properly. Only the slight fluttering. So, no MVP, but yet a clear mid-systolic click.

Anyway, click or no click, there's no apparent problem in my living day to day, as far as I can tell.
So, discharged? YAY.
My mitral valve can continue dancing as much as it wants, but just open and close, open and close.

Emotionally charged.

2009-11-22T19:59:00.003+08:00

What a wasted day. Didn't learn anything new in church, except the common troubles. Being angry with people, which makes me even angrier with myself. Feeling highly unworthy of socialising because I'm angry and ugly.

Even now, I'm so mad I make no apologies for whatever I might have to apologise for. Hey, it was a lack of specific communication; deal with it. I don't do crazy (the fun way); deal with it.

Rawr!! So mad!

Such a self-conscious, inward-looking post. Exactly the kind of stuff I'm mad at others for. Ah, the inner conflicts of the human mind/soul/whatever.

OH hey, maayybbbe it's the hormones. Likely. Pfft, women.

Making sense with nonsense

2009-11-19T10:19:00.002+08:00

A tea party with the theme of the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland? Sounds good to me, because I love the story. I've got the book and I love watching the 1999 film with Miranda Richardson, as the Queen, having a blast screaming "Off with his head!!!" Oh, did I mention that the book was almost given away and never to return like many of our books, but I 'thickened' my skin and got it back? Rawr.

One of my favourites where the Mad Hatter puts out the question: "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

and after some time

'Have you guessed the riddle yet?' the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.

'No, I give it up,' Alice replied: 'what's the answer?'

'I haven't the slightest idea,' said the Hatter.

Recollections: Human relations, and then some.

2009-11-11T11:21:00.001+08:00

As far as I can remember, we learnt one day that we (humans) are somewhat related to monkeys, mosquitos, and rice. Oh, spinach too.

I also remember laughing about how "MonHum" (very loosely, the term for the Human-Monkey relation; or Monkey-Human relation) sounded so Cantonese. Ngor hai mon hum.

Cheers.

Should I...?

2009-10-12T14:54:00.004+08:00

You know you've gotten into the humdrum of corporate work, when you type an email to friends, and you hesitate like forever before clicking 'send', thinking and considering if it was typed appropriately or inappropriately, if it should be sent or not, if it was proper or improper, if some things should be rephrased (and you rephrased them), if you should ask someone first, if ... ...

Yeah.

FFT: Are formalities biblical?

One thing's for sure, they're a huge pain in the a-, er, backside.

Peace

2009-07-27T19:35:00.003+08:00

When people around you are away due to their individual circumstances, you can't help putting yourself in a position of self-pity. That's human nature. In order to make sense of things, we constantly try to identify similarities, identify patterns. And so we think everybody's leaving me!!!

But I am a follower of Christ. Thus, I have joy and victory over things that seem miserable. Because I have hope in Christ, not just in the 'eternal life' sense, but in everything else in life, no matter how big or small. Phew! In the past I would have let myself sink into melancholy and listen to sad music and think about how heartbreaking everything is.
Now, I might go there but then I'll stop myself. Or rather, the Holy Spirit stops me, reminds me of who I am, snap me out of useless fantasies, and focus on Christ. We've got to realise that there is no separation of anything in our lives from God. This life with God, is life itself. No thing has nothing to do with God. (Oh, was that a really smart phrase or what!!!)

So in this time when loved ones are away, I will do the only thing I can do. Pray and trust in the Heavenly Father, for their lives and for mine.

Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Following Christ.

2009-07-05T19:49:00.003+08:00

Love
For God so loved the world... The greatest of these is love... Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength... Love your neighbour as yourself... Love is patient, love is kind.. Love keeps no record of wrongs... Perfect love drives out fear...
May the love of God flow through me to others. I have learnt that, for me, I have no capacity to love unless I have the love of God. We love because He first loved us!

Faith
The biggest factor in the turning point of my life. Believing in what I cannot see, believing and trusting even when I do not have full knowledge of things. Die-die believing. For the love of God and His grace are as good as facts to me. It has always been up to me to accept them and put faith in God. I believe in God's power and God's goodness and God's love.

Prayer
Ah, not so good at this. Sometimes I don't even feel like saying because, well, God already knows right? But God is such an awesome God. Even though He is omni-everything and so mighty, He wants to connect with us, to talk with us, to interact with us. What is man that He is mindful of us? A quiet time passage talked about persisting in prayer. This is one meditation I can't seem to understand. What does it mean to persist in prayer, to wrestle in prayer, to struggle with God like Jacob did? Hmm.

Life is changing for me. End of studying, start of career. And only by God's grace, I am employed without going through endless job applications, I hardly even tried to search for a job! And again only by His grace, I also received a precious blessing.

This is only the beginning of a new phase! Or two.. Like a friend's friend said, starting out on a career will be the real test of my faith in God; will I stay rooted or uprooted? Ultimately we know nothing about the future. But I have this hope, that God is good, and that I can and will trust in Him.

God's word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path. I will keep God on top by remembering this:
Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Amen!

Meh.

2009-06-11T22:19:00.003+08:00

In all honesty, the only thing I wanted to blog about was my little job at the Motherhood Fair last week. But, pfft, I came down with a cold right after that, and all I can think about is the bad throat and oncoming cough and runny nose, and no phlegm cough pleaasse pleeease no phlegm cough. Yeahhh...

Here's what I wrote first:

"Every experience is valuable to my life.

Being at the Motherhood Fair was a great experience! A sales assistant job was never my cup of tea, but that was because I didn't think I was willing to promote stuff that I probably don't want customers to buy anyway. Hah! But this time, it was clothes that serve a wonderful purpose, plus they were of great quality and pretty designs!

Though tiring, standing all day long and smiling and serving customers, it was really fun! I just had to write something about it. Now, despite being far off from being a mother, I can show you how to use those cool nursing tops! hah! To top it off, the people I worked with, the boss and her sis, are lovely people to be with. Go the Milky Way, what a catchy name. Check it out here. BCBA-ers, see if you can spot Agi!

Being at the Motherhood Fair was also probably the only time I met so many pregnant ladies in one huge room. I know, duh Motherhood Fair, but y'know, it's just overwhelming. You've gotta remember to be extra gentle when squeezing through the crowds.

Somehow, I really enjoyed meeting all those pregnant mums. It's like each of them is carrying a miracle, and they are caring for and protecting an unborn child. Somehow, ladies can't be all that bad when they are carrying another life within them.

Call me cynical but I usually expect strangers to be mean and rude and selfish, every-man-for-himself kinda attitude. So I'm always appreciative of times when people turn out to be really nice. Like our booth neighbours! It was really enjoyable, we had alot of laughs."

So anyway, I don't know if I'll be more miserable tomorrow, somehow I always get worse when I sleep. They say we should sleep more, for the body to heal and fight the virus; I seem to lose to the virus when I sleep. Darn. Well, the throat's definitely less scratchy, don't know about the cough though. Oncoming or going, can't really tell. No phlegm please nooooo. But definitely congested in my nose. Even getting blocked ears... I wonder if I drank too much water, I've been downing water the whole day, for days. I wonder if you can get water retention in, er, eustachian tubes. hah.

OH some brief googling uncovers something that challenges the drink-more-fluids-when-you-have-a-cold advice. Not good.

On a totally different note, I said yes to trying for a certain job. It actually seems like one of those risky options, which I kinda vowed before never to take up because look where it got me. So I'm really going by faith here. Gonna trust that God will see me through.

For now, I pray I can fall asleep with cleared nasal airways, and please please get rid of the virus.

Giving thanks.

2009-05-25T20:55:00.003+08:00

I say it's a blessing that something strange happened to my laptop such that I use it much less, that is, not from morning til night when I'm at home. I discovered how dependent I am on it to entertain myself, which is not good at all. This strange thing that happened, forced me off the laptop. Which is good, because with nothing else to do, I decided to read. I read the Bible, and other books on Christianity, did some mini bible study. Of course, looking at the circumstances, I didn't really mean to do these things, but I did anyway and it feels like I'm finally making some progress! This is how I know God hasn't forsaken me. My discipline is nearly non-existent, so I believe that He planned that circumstances will lead me to have no other thing to do except spend time reading His word. It's debatable, of course, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and this is the clearest.

It's not the only thing I'm thankful for. By God's grace, I got an A for my project. My heart jumped a little when I saw the letter A. And I thought that's all to the results. Then I looked down and there's this sentence in caps that stated, kind of indifferently, that I have gotten a Second Class (Lower Division) Honours. My heart leaped! At least since Year 3, I was convinced and certain that I could only have a third class, at best. And even if I managed to calculate a possibility of Second Lower by having a really good grade for my project, I thought it was impossible to have a good grade for my project. Like, who, me? A good grade? B, at best. I'm shocked and I still think that the grades will change halfway. It's unreal and undeserving. 'Thankful' is an understatement to what I feel towards God. It's a surprise through and through. I'm calmly sitting at my desk, but I'm elated inside! I can trust our BA choir mistress to come up with happy words starting with 'E'! Hah!

Okay I know Second Lower is just as lousy, and not much better than Third class. But it means the world to me. That's why I'm not totally ashamed to say it out here. I'm a Second Lower Honours student, so what? Naturally I am a little ashamed, because the world today tells us that grades matter and a lousy grade means that you're not good enough. Worse, this exists within the church as well. Pray that they will study hard and get good grades. Er, so, if I don't get a good grade, what does that mean? Plus, the awkward responses to not doing well, oh... okay.. hmm. I'd like to follow the example of Aunty Xu in LN; she always sincerely say 感谢主, for the good and the bad.

I'll always remember being encouraged one Sunday by Leon's sharing, that at the end of the day, our bad grades don't matter, it's what we gained from the process and how we grow spiritually in God, that really matter. I think most of us know that already, but we're easily swayed to meet the world's expectations. After all, we're living in the world, we usually can't help it.

I've been through many moments of 'coming back to God' but I never stayed for long, mostly backsliding very quickly. This time, like those other times, I want to stay and grow deep roots. Like those other times, I say this with uncertainty and weak faith. But I do want very much to live better, instead of wasting my time with things that don't store up treasures in heaven. I'm already 23, been a Christian for about 13 years, shouldn't waste anymore time going round in circles.

How does one stay true to a commitment? Dunno. But I think I'm ready, for whatever it takes.

Yes, indeed.

2009-05-07T21:39:00.003+08:00

Frankie Manning passed away on 27th April 2009.

I don't know how to do tributes, but I'll like to say that I've been very privileged to be in the same room as him at least twice, to be taught by him in a class, to be part of everyone on the dance floor and Frankie calling out the Shim Sham. Somehow, you feel more like a lindyhopper when you're in the presence of one of the founding fathers of Lindy Hop. Pretty duh, I guess!

Learning the Lindy Hop, I loved to learn about the history. After all, the important thing was the basics, which dates back to the beginning! I wondered what it was like in places like the Savoy Ballroom and Cotton Club. Even in pictures, we see them as mono-coloured images; it's not enough. In our family trip to USA last year, my only personal must-go-must-see place was the plaque at the old site of the Savoy Ballroom. Yeah I know, it's only a plaque, and an empty yard but.. I've been there.

I found this excerpt. I loved what Frankie said about hearing swing music and feeling the urge to up and dance!

"From a Lindy hopper's point of view, it can be a little frustrating to sit and listen to a swinging band. ... If I hear some music that's really swinging, boy, it just gets into me!"

Yes, indeed.

Is it really?

2009-05-07T20:13:00.006+08:00

After trudging through 4 years of near-impossible education, I thought the last day would be like flash-bam-alakazam (song: Orange Coloured Sky), or that's the gist of it at least. And since it wasn't any written paper examination but a more active Poster Day, I thought it would be.. well, flash-bam-alakazam. But it wasn't.

It was physically tiring, on top of mentally vexing, which is essentially double the damage as compared to a written paper exam. Physically tiring? It never crossed my mind that 2 sessions of 2 hours of standing would be so exhausting. Mentally? At first, I was nervous because I didn't fully prepare a proper presentation at all. Later, I was nervous because, duh, will I do well in front of the examiner? But finally, I was nervous-free, and completely annoyed and I wanted my examiner to turn up NOW. He did, but only 20 minutes before the entire thing ended.

But of course, the blessings were too obvious for me to decide that the examiner's long-awaited appearance was uncalled for. I mean, I had plenty of practice throughout the entire 3hours and 40 minutes. And I wasn't nervous anymore.

At the end of the day, I feel more positive than negative about Poster Day. And at least some other people did think my project was interesting, which is an assurance and confirmation of my efforts. Also, my sup was around as an examiner too. As usual, I'm very very encouraged.

All that said, I was drained, sapped, stoned, such that feeling good about the end, didn't matter anymore. Ah well, I also had another urgent thing that filled me up with guilt, but that's another issue. Besides, the next thing waiting for me is work, which is not exactly exciting. Ah yes, I returned to school the next day anyway, to submit the last things that need to be submitted.

That is why I ask, is it really over?

Well. Whatever. The days come one after another, nothing stops.

Someone called me "DIY queen". Er well, I wish to deny that, but then I had indeniably just finished preparing my mask for the school DnD. The DnD with a french title which the organisers themselves can't pronounce very accurately. Hah! Bonnuit!

Cat-bus

2009-05-03T02:14:00.005+08:00

The days without rain have been so incredibly hot and humid, that when rain comes, especially in the night, it feels strangely out of place. And sort of apocalyptic. Even more so when it comes with thunder and strong howling wind. And it's howling because there's an unseen gap in my windows that I obviously can't seal. Anyhow, when I stand at my windows and look at the big trees below, it's quite incredible to see them sway under the force of the wind.

I wondered what it'll be like to be in the middle of that. Like, straddling on one those branches and feeling the swaying, submitting to the unseen. Of course, disregard the fact that I'm acrophobic.

The swaying of the huge trees, mainly reminded me of Totoro, in which the strong passing winds were actually caused by the cat-bus passing through.

Ironically, when it rains, I can't have my windows open. Both because the rain will get in, and it's simply too noisy with the rain hitting on the air-con unit outside my window. Oh well, nice to have rain anyhow.

wwJd

2009-04-22T21:02:00.006+08:00

And so I actually typed an entire post, fed my anger, and then deleted the whole thing. Basically, it's very frustrating to see the lack of love, when you expect that 'love one another' should be the very first thing to do. It's agonising.
I know 'to love' doesn't mean 'to be nice'. But... it just doesn't seem right, to me, to be so hard and 'proper', seems very heartless and cold.

At times I think that something obviously 'conforms to patterns of the world', but the person(s) doesn't think so. I'm kinda shocked and then I second-guess myself. In my mind I'm thinking, you mean that's actually okay? Just because some things always are, doesn't mean they are right. Just because some things are inevitable, doesn't mean they are the right principles.

I don't get it, I don't know how to live. Doesn't make sense when the right thing to do doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Who's right? What would Jesus do?

akan datang.

2009-04-12T20:40:00.004+08:00

In 5 days, it'll be over for my thesis and poster. I can't wait!

It's different from expectations, but yet very impressive. My heart is confused by that, it's like being pushed left and right, backwards and forwards, whatever. But I'm so grateful.

And birthday was a blessed day indeed. Even though attending Easter luncheon seemed like a strange way to spend the day, I looked forward to it, enjoyed it, and learnt valuable things from it. After all, what better way to spend the day than to celebrate the hope we have in Christ's death and resurrection?

I'm also very grateful to all the well wishes from friends. I'm always always appreciative of the fact that I'm remembered, for anything at all; that's enough for me. So, when it comes to birthday, I'm extra grateful.

God created me for something. I don't know it yet, and I don't see any obvious hints. But I'll wait. And in the meantime, I hope I can grow and be prepared for whatever comes. The only wish I have now, make it my birthday wish, is that I'll be true and faithful to God.

To the other dear-friend-with-whom-I-almost-walk-down-the-streets-of-Paris, thanks for the Tevas and best of all, Green Tea Mochi! Will savour it preciously.

Oh, to the dear-friend-who-peeps-into-my-room-every-now-and-then(hahaha), it's okay! For the kind of friendship we have, in which I know that you remember me and pray for me, it's more than I can ask for. Cheers.

Miracles.

2009-04-08T01:48:00.003+08:00

So I did finish writing my thesis, and I did do up the poster in one day. And the word limit was extended, easily enough. Who else but God, who carried me through! Of course, I have yet to receive feedback on these two assignments, but I'm satisfied now with just having completed them.

It's not like I prayed fervently, or even prayed at all. All I can say is that I know God hasn't and isn't forsaking me even though I've been making the wrong choices. I can't wait for the day that I willingly, joyfully, and fearlessly, make the right choices.

Being had.

2009-04-06T10:54:00.002+08:00

It's a joke. There I was, more than a month ago, almost crying over the lack of words. Now, I've exceeded the limit, and I still have more stuff to add.

It's a blessing, I know. But also like a big fat joke.

What's not a joke is that I should ideally complete my 2nd/final draft by today, and the poster design tomorrow. May the force be with me.

I'm full of...

2009-03-14T12:30:00.004+08:00

..dreams. No, not ambitions or goals, but dreams that you get when you're asleep. So I daydream alot too, but I also get plenty of dreams. I wonder why.

What is/are the source(s) of dreams? Subconsciousness? God? Most of the time, they're completely new events, nothing you've ever experience. And we usually feel like we're trapped in the dream story, unlike daydreaming where we think up the story.

I'm full of it. One cool thing, is that sometimes I could sort of control it if I didn't like the way the story was going. Hah, but I believe that I'm already half-awake at that point, forcing things to go my way. But it's very helpful for turning a bad dream to something neutral. At least I don't get killed by that monster. People call this lucid dreaming, and I could be an oneironaut! Hah! So anyway, in that sense, I don't think I get very restful sleep, I'm busy directing and acting out a dream movie!

Some of my dreams are really fascinating stories, that I keep running them through my head the moment I wake up, and then I write them down. Most recently was one about an armageddon time, some of us were saving the world. There was another, that I can't remember the story, but I remember being very very anguished and sad and crying for someone. And I wake up feeling very exhausted.

Why the talk about dreams today? Because this morning I had a dream that was pretty depressing for me, being useless and left out and worse off than people younger than me and with friends who don't really care. It was horrible and it felt just like an exaggeration of what's true. But I didn't think to change it. Maybe I just like to indulge in self-pity, hurh.

Melodrama, melancholy.

2009-03-07T04:09:00.003+08:00

I am a sucker for sad things. Sad, teary stories; sad, teary songs; sad, teary movies... yeah, I enjoy them, by weeping and sniffing when that scene demands it, with its music and presumably-good acting. I am a sucker for these things. Sappy, soapy, cheesy -whatever you call it. Just watched "P.S. I Love You" which is so blatantly sad and sweet, that many felt it was too painful to watch, but that's just fine with me!

I suspect it's usually the music that gives the cue. I mean, good acting count too, but I think it's the music that does it for me. The thing about music, it still marvels me how some tunes are just sad and endearing. Perhaps that book ("This is Your Brain on Music") I was reading awhile ago mentioned something about that, but I don't remember.

Many would argue over the (lack of) 'edifying value' of such things, because they can feed unhealthy stuff to your subconscious, ultimately affecting the way you live. And I guess it's rather un-christian in a way, not focusing on the things of God.

Well, whatever it is, I liked the music on that movie. It sounded sad, yet hopeful at the same time. Kinda like a every-cloud-has-a-silver-lining feel to it. Moving on, walking ahead, which is pretty much the point of the movie.

I find it hard to believe that I could be walking down the streets of London and Paris in the very near future. It used to be such an impossible thought; now it could be possible, plus with a dear friend. I strongly hope nothing will stop this journey.

2009-02-27T20:31:00.002+08:00

I slept at 5.30am. I carried a bag full of things and two laptops. I walked, and walked. My back aches. My stomach is bloated. My eyes are tired. I feel sticky.

But, hell, I handed up my first draft.

By the way, a second person had commented only 4000 words? See that? It wasn't even "only 6000", it was "only 4000". So now, this sense of dislike-ness towards those NUS peeps, is not exactly without any reason.

But hell yeah, I handed it up.

Failed

2009-02-20T11:42:00.002+08:00

..to meet the deadlines, with a "-s" right there. Apparently, freewriting didn't stick. My distractions proved to be too strong.

I feel like I've failed even before I complete my first draft! In fact, I feel like I failed before actually doing many things. So, I quit, even before they begin. But this thesis thing, I can't quit even if I wanted to, and I don't want to quit. I want to complete it.

But in all sense of the phrase, The spirit is willing, but the body is weak! There's some disconnection within my neural senses. Wernicke's area, something-whatever area? I'm thinking and thinking, I have these ideas, but I can't put them out in words. Can't freewrite even if I wanted to. (And yet I'm writing now.)

It frustrates me. And it's making a wreck out of me. I was seriously determined to stay up one night and the day after, to work on it; but I was too concerned for my health (the mental part) to proceed with that in the end. But I did sleep very late, or very early. The next day? Same thing. Productivity obviously did not increase.

My writing has been coming about in spurts. I write a substantial amount in a moment, the next I'm unmotivated and confused and just stuck. My paragraphs are disconnected and seem to be in the right and wrong place at the same time. The rarity of my topic already make it insignificant. I'm incoherent!

I take full responsibility. The fault totally lies in me. And I'm ashamed of not being able to meet the expectations. I'm disappointed with myself.

I'm failing myself, failing my supervisor, failing God.

1000 words a day? That's my ambition, but I know clearly by now that I'm incapable of that. 700 then. Or 500 at least.

I remember being described as being a very honest person, that I don't hesitate to talk about my flaws and struggles. I'll like to stay that way, be open and honest. In addition, I shall try not to sink into self-pity. Admitting your flaws is not the same as exaggerating them.

That was like 354 words! If only it was such a breeze writing my thesis.
On a random note: I noticed that I've been making spelling errors, being unsure of grammar, and I can't concentrate that much on reading... If I was a hypochondriac, I'll be paranoid about neural degeneration.

I should get started on that 500-700 words.

freewriting

2009-02-14T21:38:00.004+08:00

After days and days and days of not being able to do anything with my thesis, I'm suddenly making some progress today. May it never stop.

I suppose taking some strict measures to change my activities worked. Finally, I stuck to my commitments. I don't want to question these changes, to ask why it's appearing to succeed after so long of not succeeding. I just want to believe that it's God, somehow, even if I didn't even ask Him directly. I want to believe that He's changing my heart. May it be true.

So, I may be on a roll now, typing and typing in my thesis. I've resorted to something like a messy model of writing and the "many pages" method of getting myself to go on. I had to get some help from a book. "Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day" by Joan Bolker. Well, it's not really important whether the book was super helpful; I just needed a booster somewhere to kick me off my a** and start doing something. But since I adopted her suggestions of "just keep writing", I suppose it was really helpful.

Not to mention that the trip to the library ended up with me coming home, 65% soaked in rain water. Ah, the unpredictable weather, it was blazing hot when I left! So, the books had better be helpful.

Oh, happy valentine's, or friendship day, as some would have it. I spent the day working on my thesis, and of course, about half hour on the piano. Speaking of the piano, I really do love the piano even though I don't excel in playing it. I know that getting rid of it would clear up space in my room for some better use, but I can't and I won't. It's gonna stay, it's gotta stay. =)

I hope my mysterious source of motivation for the thesis hasn't gone. I'm kinda still writing anyway, right? Myxomas, sarcomas, blahblahblah. 6000 words is not easy. I've had people saying, Oh 6000 words? Not a lot lah. Maybe that's true, maybe one day in the future I'll eat my words, 6000 words could be a breeze in the future, at least I hope so. But for now, I rejoice at every 20 words! Hah!

May the force be with me.

I finally made it to a class gathering.

2009-02-01T23:38:00.005+08:00

I'm not saying that I expected it to be unenjoyable; I'm saying I didn't expect it to be THAT much fun! I guess you can never go wrong with the jokers in 1903. Ok well, there were only 9 of us plus one, but it was great! It was almost like nothing changed; yet everyone's grown as well! Those were the days.

Que sera, sera

2009-01-23T21:15:00.008+08:00

Me at a very very very young age, in a dressing room with my mum, I blurted out:

"Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be a woman."

If I were her, I think I would have said,

"Yes, my dear. Que sera, sera; whatever will be, will be.
Now just wait quietly, mummy will be done soon."

Update:
Well, apparently, I didn't just blurt it out. Mum wanted to keep me occupied so she asked me, Girl ar, what do you want to be when you grow up? And you'll hope your child say something smart.
Well, my reply had left her stunned and embarrassed. In her own words, her first thoughts were Die lah, this one boh brain wan.
Hahaha. Oh well, so they say, kids say the darndest things.

Maybe I could already tell that it wasn't gonna be easy being a woman! Hah!

where two or three come together

2009-01-17T23:33:00.003+08:00

It's just about half a month into 2009 and I think I might have met up/hung out more times than I can remember in 2008. I suppose that's good? - that I'm not 'moping around' at home. Well, I am still moping around at home; just less than would have been. People are successfully dragging me out of my house!

Still, it hasn't been all bright and shiny. After all, I wasn't made to be all bright and shiny (shamelessly stealing that phrase from GA). But I'm aware that inspite of the constant looming darkness, there is pure light ultimately - the victory. Now all that's left for me is to live out that 'awareness'.

I'm done with idealistic declarations. Sure, God is good, and I believe that. But that sentence alone, albeit assuring, is not practical at all. In spite of all that we believe in, and all that we are taught from the Bible, people like us just don't get it, we keep straying away. And why?* Because the fact remains that life overwhelms us so very easily. By default, we actually really first believe in what we can see, rather than what we can't. So, how can we really live out a christian life, without being deceived by surreal notions, while going through the daily motions of life on earth? Unfortunately, I haven't an answer, because I'm in that rut myself.

I think many people will have countless answers to that, and suggest countless practical ways. I don't know what works, but I believe (and the Bible suggests so) that this 'gathering of God's people' thing works its own magic.. or rather, God's power. It takes away that Sunday christian thing (because we see each other on other days), it is not a surreal deception (we take part in our normal daily activities), it reminds us of God (because well the people you meet are God's people too) and perhaps many other good points. It's not a big thing really, and you don't have to be hardcore about it. It can be light-hearted and fun! To me, it's like a practical, living-it-out reminder, to care for others daily, to live for God.

*(I suppose some might argue about this along the lines of whether 'we' are true christians or not. I'm so weak at doctrinal truths and knowledge, I can't argue. I'm just speaking for myself when I say that people can truly confess and believe in God, and yet face the constant struggle of choosing to sin or not.)

The worship team played the song below during offering time last Sunday. The words speak so accurately of how it's been for me; the countless times I've strayed away and how I am unable to give my life up. But more for me, it's not just the lack of strength, also the lack of courage and lack of faith. In a sense, I'm an unwilling one. Like this quote I saw in the book "Reaching for the Invisible God": Oh God I don't love you, I don't even want to love you, but I want to want to love you! - Teresa of Avila. That's the way it is.

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

I have no plan or strategy to find my way back; hah! none of my half-hearted plans ever worked. I suppose the so-called strategy now is to take things one at a time. Like, not having preconceived expectations. Like, just seeing what happens next.

Ah, there's so much more to say. So much more that I've got to have faith about, to break through, to throw away, to kneel down to, to acknowledge. But for now, one thing at a time.

I'm genuinely glad that two or three of us had, and will, come together.
"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst." Matthew 18:20 NASB

suki desu

2009-01-07T21:07:00.004+08:00

Right now, I'm a fan of Studio Ghibli/Hayao Miyazaki productions and, definitely, Joe Hisaishi who created the music for most of the films. What geniuses!

We just watched "Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea" yesterday. Honestly I wasn't expecting much before. But it was a Studio Ghibli production; that's enough reason to watch it. Heh.

We enjoyed it! I loved it. Sure, it's not really really cute; I thought Ponyo looked rather, er 'cute' (read: ugly but adorable) at most times when she was not a girl. But.. it was definitely adorable and very much endearing. And we could see in the film, bits of Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, and Totoro. Well, obviously, since Hayao Miyazaki drew everything.

And sure, the story is very simple and straightforward. Coupled with the fact that the whole film was hand drawn - no CGI - it's like going back to basics. Ironically, that is why this film is refreshing.

And the music! Joe Hisaishi! The music fitted the film so well, and clearly set apart from his other compositions in the other Studio Ghibli films. Unique to this film.

This film oozed with such great music, honesty, adorableness (it's a word - I checked)... It's different and new, another great addition to Studio Ghibli's collection.

To date, Spirited Away is still my favourite. Heh. :) Blessed me, we have a DVD set of Studio Ghibli collection, 14 movies I think. And also a Spirited Away DVD set on its own. Whoopee.

In the same line of Japanese films, I suppose I should mention that we watched "The Sky Crawlers" too. It was definitely a different experience from regular movies. We were confused for the most part, until the end, but I guess that kept us very alert, haha. This movie made us think, and ponder, trying to figure out the truth. I think, in that way, we would be better satisfied upon understanding. And, the emotions they wanted to portray to us, we'd feel them as raw as they come, painfully. I think we were a little emo-ed after the film, haha, it was a rather depressing situation, no happy ending.

Made a mini french memo board today!

2009-01-04T18:59:00.004+08:00

It was kind of a on-the-spur-of-the-moment thing. I really just wanted a memo board.
Googled DIY memo boards. Found out about french memo boards (and a lot of pretty creations!). Remembered that I have a small, hard cork board (27x22cm) which I never found a use for; it was too hard for thumb-tacks. I think I had it from when we were still at our previous home. French memo boards appealed to me instantly, because I won't have to use thumb-tacks.
I figured I might want a bigger one later, but, no harm making one now as a try-out! And so, ta-da! Was momentarily hindered by the fact that I don't have a staple gun; turns out my usual big stapler worked quite well. So, with my other stash of art-n-craft materials, that's what I got. Good enough for now.
It's not fantastic, but I can't help feeling really satisfied.

Tick-tock.

2009-01-01T02:10:00.002+08:00

While the clock ticked over to 2009, I was dragged along with mind and heart filled with guilt and regret and dilemmas and frustration. I can't explain things, and therefore I can't be understood; which makes it worse and I can't explain it still!

It's painfully ironic because it was the end of 2008 and a new year was beginning. Well, it really is just a normal day crossing over to the next, but it's a good excuse to stop ourselves from dragging our feet any longer and just do something about things.

It's 1st January 2009. So what?

Anno Domini

2008-12-21T22:04:00.003+08:00

This morning, Jeffrey Goh told us that everytime we write down the date, or specifically the year, we are actually testifying that God sent Jesus down to earth. It's AD 2008 (Anno Domini, Latin for The Year of Our Lord)! I was struck by how true that was.

While researching, it appears that Common Era (CE) is used as an alternative designation because of the "Christian conception" of AD. Erm hmm, right, okay.

Christmas is just round the corner. Should it be life-changing? Should it be a time or re-dedication? Should it be a time of true praise and worship to God?

I left this morning's service unsatisfied (regardless of the good message from JG). Unsatisfied and disappointed with myself, because I am unable to let go, to trust, to hand my fear over. I am already starting to be hypocritical, hiding behind a certain facade; that just adds to the fear. *I think this is affecting other parts of my life as well, being unable to fully commit, unable to take ownership, unable to trust.

Nonetheless, I think I'm still hanging around because of the logic part of my brain. Ingrained facts that tells me God will not forsake me, He has not forgotten me, that He is God, God is love, and love never fails. I suppose I have our hardcore Sunday School to thank for this!

Happy hols.

In moments like these..

2008-12-19T19:54:00.004+08:00

Sometimes there comes along a "moment" when I really would want to stop and just soak in it. They are rare, and happen when I can't stop unless I don't mind looking like I suddenly 'switched off' in my head.

Specifically, most of these moments happen when I'm just about to reach home, when I'm walking under my block towards the elevator, in the evening. It's not warm and humid, instead there's wind and it's all rather serene.

It happened today! And not just then, also when I walked down the wide steps at central. I almost did just stop.

Actually, maybe it's just the weather that I like. Today's evening is cool. Even now, some wind is blowing through my windows into my room. I stress that because breeze and wind just don't enter my room. I can actually feel it while sitting at my desk! Hah!

I once almost posted that I feel like everyone's moving forward while I haven't. Well, I still feel that way, like I'm not growing, not maturing, not adapting, not adjusting, not evolving. I'm about to be wiped out by selective pressure! I guess I should be thankful that that isn't the way our souls are saved by God.

But then, it's not like I'm in any state to talk about God and holy life and praying and faith.

One day, I'm going to look back at this post, like I do to my even older posts (even at the other blog!), and feel ashamed. Well, as if I don't already.

A blog's for moments like these, though!

Sunset.

2008-12-01T22:57:00.003+08:00

Yeap it's 1st Dec, the exams have been over for 5 days. It hasn't exactly been "Phew!Woah!Yay!"-like. More like a mellow mood, like a sunset. A little bittersweet: great that it's over, but it also marks the near end of this phase of life, and the near beginning of a whole new one. Bittersweet, because this 3.5 years have been too eventful and new, but also filled with many many regrets, bad decisions and more bad decisions. They are over, but I would have hoped for second chances at life. They could have been better really, I could have lived a much better life, I could have been a much better person. Oh I know, the bad things give me a learning platform to be a better person, right? I don't think so. I think I've only wasted time and emotions. And what irony (and stupidity)! Of all times to waste my life away, I choose the most expensive and important years of my education. Tsk-tsk.

Of course, I'm not graduating yet. I should save reflections for when I do graduate.

Like a sunset, like a sigh.

HHU: Hozzy Health Update

2008-11-24T14:04:00.002+08:00

(HHU? What the-?)

Right, ok. So I'm not that sick anymore. Or maybe I still am - we can never trust the horrid little microbes to be admitting defeat, can we? But, symptom-wise, I'm feeling better since the fever and headache and wooziness were gone; Thanks Be to God! I went to visit the doc anyway and got some funky but of course expensive meds.

Fluimucil efferversence tablets! My first mental reaction was, Oh no! I couldn't stop thinking about something that tastes awful, plus it'd be half cup full of awfulness. But then, when I finally dropped it into the water, and sniffed, ah! it smelt of lime! Essentially, it tasted like Eno, or sparkling lime water. =) That was great. And that was for the phlegm. So.. what wonderful medicine for clearing phlegm! Hah!

Point is, I got better. I feel better. But... then I started sneezing and having to blow my nose and having my nose stuffed and having to take Sudafed after tossing and turning and having to toss and turn some more because Sudafed kept me awake (or maybe it didn't. It's just a possible side effect.) Anyhow, I'm determined the new nose problem will go away sooner or later. After all, the chesty cough is quite over, so I feel much better.

Since the phlegm's quite all gone, I'm not coughing due to tickling in my lungs, but just 'residual coughing', to put it simply. It is at this point that I realise I've been coughing quite a lot. I mean, my abdomen muscles ache! That also probably means that I'm un-athletic, un-healthy; basically I lead a sedentary lifestyle. I shake my head at myself.

I should get back to Systems Bio! To end off, let me just say this: acupressure kinda works! I didn't want to take anymore Sudafed, or any other meds for that matter, so I googled around for solutions to stuffy nose. I came across this site where this person shared some massage instructions for nasal congestion. Er, disregard the parapsychology and TCM stuff and whatever; my point is the massage. Oh darn, I wonder if I'm already pushing buttons by saying that acupressure works. Hmm.

At the end of the day, I thank God for healing me, even if I'm not completely healed yet. I thank God that somehow I pulled through, and didn't sink into some sort of sickness depression, especially when my exams are not over. I thank God that I remembered to pray. I thank God for people who prayed and are still praying for me!

Why? How?

2008-11-22T16:44:00.003+08:00

Chesty cough (My no. 1 most hated sickness, by the way. I'd rather have an overflowing nose.) Feverish. Chilly. Woozy. Headache.

How will I survive this trial? Only God knows.

Keep breathing. And praying.

2008-11-15T23:41:00.005+08:00

So nervous! One out of 5 papers done, but it's hardly a relief because the worst is yet to come. (And I can't help thinking about the swing number "The Best is Yet to Come". Hah.) Nervous! Immuno on Tues, and Viro on Fri. But of course, one can never tell that I'm feeling frantic, because by the way that I was made, I always appear calm. I still can't decide if that's good or bad.

There's also a sense of anticipation. And that's because, this could very well be the last examination I'll ever have. Even if I go for further studies, it mightn't be the same. Then again, who knows?! Still, for now, it seems memorable enough.

"Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson, is a song that got me listening to it and only it for a very long time. First got it off Grey's Anatomy. The words make it all sound nice and good, which is fine by me; but then I also do realise that it's more or less about procrastination. Which is precisely how I've been dealing with things for the past few years. Horrible.

27th Nov! Day of freedom. Hurh.

Collections.

2008-10-19T19:14:00.002+08:00

When you're too old to be taken care of, yet still too immature to care for another, you're basically left alone.

---

Why go talk, when all I end up with is discouraging, insulting, putting-down words? Keep falling into that trap.

---

Why continue, when all I end up with is a sense of inadequacy? Absolutely determined and sure of avoiding that trap.

---

Fear. No guarantees whatsoever. Why's it so hard? I don't think it was meant to be so hard. I'm told I'm being hard on myself. I can't help it; if I'm not hard on myself, I don't think I'll even care.

---

Renew. I should quickly commit seriously to finding my way back. I've been living 'perfectly' like a non-believer. Abominable! I made a commitment briefly - but nonetheless seriously - last night. But yeah, I'm human, and I'm so fallen, and so lazy.

For now, I can only rely on these brief moments of remembering who I am and who I should become. It's almost as if I'm suffering a disease in this walk with God; I keep forgetting where I am going and stray away. I remember briefly, turn back, but my memory slips again. Plus, I'm lazy.

So, pray for me, if you can. I don't know if I actually seem stable and right with God; I'm stable alright, stable doing nothing, if not sinning my life away. Gabs felt that there should be no such thing as allegiance to the other city for us, that there was only weakness to temptations; well, I either disagree with him, or I'm actually not one of 'us' at all. Because, the way I see myself, I think I've been doing a pretty good job showing my allegiance to the other city where evil thrives. Muahaha, evil moi. Er, right.

So, here it is. At least I'm admitting I have a problem (problems?), at least I'm struggling, that's a good sign of saneness, right? Most of the time I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. Or like I said, I forget that I have a problem. Forgetful, much?

Last thing, I absolutely detest how I claim to be Christian, yet am full of problems. But who said we'll be free of them? I am very blessed actually; I just don't talk about them, well, because I'm just precisely the sort of person that tends to talk about the bad and sad stuff.

Ciao.

2008-07-14T19:54:00.002+08:00

I should really study hard.
I should care more for my friends.
I should read the Bible.
I should pray.
I should do some regular exercise.
I should watch what I eat.
I should grow up. !!
I should do something.
I should live.

I should know what to do. But damn, I don't.

I should so many things that, I should be ashamed of myself.
I should repent. I should struggle and fight. I should not give up. I should trust.
I should love.

I should all these things... and more.
I should, dammit.

Being human.

2008-07-08T19:33:00.003+08:00

I think, that it is an almost inhumane deed, to keep forgetting how grateful we are towards God, for His love, His goodness. The moments of overwhelming gratitude always pass away so easily.

But I also think that, being that forgetful, is just being human. Ah well, nobody said this was an easy road.

Giving up.

2008-06-01T01:01:00.002+08:00

So I haven't blogged for some time and for a longer time, I haven't written in my journal. Somehow I feel I should do justice to my un-expressed thoughts and feelings and just write (type) without paying any heed to flow or structure. I shall try.

It sucks really. Life, I mean. And since I hadn't changed, hadn't moved on, I want to give up. Yet, giving up isn't really an option for me. At least, outwardly, it isn't. Inwardly, I'm one big sigh.
I haven't grown a bit. I'm beginning to acknowledge that I'm still stuck somewhere in between the age of 12 and 16. Well, that's not right really, because I think I'm living backwards. I believe that the way I’m living now, is what I should have been like back then. Back then, I think I was what I should be now. Relatively, of course.
Someone was saying about our ‘true self’ and that it shouldn’t change. What changes is our environment and how we respond to it. Well then, who am I?
I seriously shouldn’t be struggling about my identity. I should have my “identity in Christ” right?
But still, who am I? Every thought and feeling that pops up in my mind should come from me and me alone right? So, if I had this mean thought about something or someone, but then I also stop myself from expressing it because that’s just wrong and mean; then, these two opposing events come from me and me alone? So am I really mean, or am I not?
The real problem is that I think I am really a bad person. I’ve become so much more negative and cynical and just mean over the years. More bold in my meanness. Not to a catastrophic level, though (or at least I hope not). And I don’t seem to be succeeding in changing.
I can’t seem to be able to live with hope. I can’t stay hopeful for long. I’ve come to believe that I simply can’t do it. It’s just not me to be hopeful. And that really suck. Just thinking about having to live the rest of my years fighting to be hopeful is tiring. It makes me want to give up altogether.
I know, that’s not a fair statement, because everyone goes through that. After all, life on earth still has the presence of sin. We all have to keep fighting to glorify God in spite of the sin around us. Furthermore, Christ has saved us and He has conquered sin and death.
So that’s all good, but the fact remains that I hadn’t moved on, hadn’t changed.

I made the mistake of thinking that I could readily confide in these certain people. Today I discovered that it’s not that they were really open and receiving; it’s because I just wanted to talk to someone. There are few that I can openly confide to and trust that a listening ear and understanding heart are there. But these certain people, they are listening alright, but they do not understand. There is like a gap; they are up there, and I’m down below. Maybe I’m expecting too much? But it’s true isn’t it, that many of us listen, yet we do not hear. We don’t try to understand our friend’s problems yet we just want to offer solutions quick. We just want to talk about ourselves, with a “my problem is bigger than yours, pity me” kind of attitude. Let’s face it, we just want to talk about ourselves.
When I say I take up a lot of mental energy in doing things, I’m serious. That’s because I’m struggling to behave in a certain way. I’m struggling to be good. I’m struggling to “be myself”, whatever “myself” means. I’m struggling to be good, in spite of the meanness in me. I’m struggling to be nice and warm and smiley, because we know that it’s just not nice to be too quiet and stone-faced (it rubs off on people as arrogant and anti-social and bad manners). I’m struggling to be sociable, even though I do better alone.
I’m struggling to find myself. Who am I? Who am I to you? Is that who I really am? I’d hate to tell you, friends, but the Hozanna you know may be a fake. Yikes!

Well, if I don’t know who I am, maybe I should at least have an idea of who I want to be? I do. I know the type of person I want to be. But I hadn’t moved on to becoming that person either. So I feel hopeless, again, and disappointed.

For all that I have said, I know what people will say if I had shared these thoughts with them. “You’re just thinking too much la.” And then the conversation is as good as ended. Maybe they’re right. Then I’d have ascertained one thing about myself: that I am a person who thinks too much. That’d be “me”. Yay.

In fact, “thinking too much” is the problem. It’s confusing me. Too confusing to even pen down what that problem really is about. It just confuses who I am. It’s like I’m deceiving myself. Is that even possible?

So in order to do that justice I mentioned, I’m not going to review all that I’ve said and edit stuff as I usually do. And I think I might have just proven my point that I’m living backwards. I’m sure I sound like an irrational teenager, which, no offense intended to all irrational teenagers out there, disgusts me. I’m 22, dammit!

Who am I? Is that even a valid question? Is that an important question? Does it matter at all?

Well, if I don’t figure everything out within the next 4 days, then I’d better decide on who I want to be for the 5 days in camp. Let’s see...

And then there were none.

2008-05-01T12:13:00.003+08:00

Soooo. It's been two days into this 3-month break. Two days since cramming my memory with information of hundreds of drugs. My favourite? Domperidone. Just because it sounds funny saying it out.

I'm determined not to waste my holidays away. Or I think I'm determined. Determined, to make my time worthwhile and well-spent. Then again, that is subjective. Watching Heroes (yeah, I didn't finish catching the first season) and Grey's Anatomy are things I plan to do, and they aren't necessarily worthwhile. Oh heck, it's the holidays. I will decide what's worthwhile and what's not. Hah.

Planning the itinerary for the trip. Completing (finally) the list for the family. Re-organising my room (seriously). Etc.

Fulfilling my birthday wish. The hardest thing yet most important thing. Damn I can feel my resolve slipping away. All I can think of saying is: dammit!

Enough for me.

2008-04-10T13:19:00.007+08:00

Some people are living out their days doing something exciting, something worthwhile, something purposeful. They are making use of this limited lifetime as much as they can. Or at the very least, they are doing something; as opposed to my blantness and stagnancy, and perhaps even back-sliding.
But I don't need these things in my life, really.

If I could even love God truly and just live rightly for Him, it will be enough for me. If I could just do this right, it will be enough for me. That's all I ask.

Had enough of all those false calls I've made. 'Life-changing' moments, my a**. If anything, I was worse off and further deeper into a life of sin. I can testify that living, as if God doesn't exist, is insecure, unstable, and without peace. It's basically a dead life (an oxymoron that you do not want to live out).

After pushing God away for so long, like this kid, I want to look up and see His face again. Mum has been memorising the Beatitudes, so I decided to read that yesterday night (first time reading the Bible for real in ages). And here it says: Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Pure in heart!

Now then, as I mark my 22 years of God-blessed living, this is my wish. I wish to return to Him, to love Him wholeheartedly, to see His face. It will be enough for me.

Those were the days.

2008-04-09T18:33:00.002+08:00

I was looking through the archive, plus the old one at Open Diary. Partially disgusted by all the things I'd written in the past. They were so irrational and tactless. But well, I was younger then. I guess it couldn't be helped. Hormones raging. At the very least, I can say I'm different now. I am, right? Heh.

Oh well, I had a good laugh looking back at all those nonsense. Looking forward, I've got more important things to cry over, like exams, and my future, basically. Future, meaning career. What is it that I want to do? I can't start with thinking about what I am good at, because there's nothing I'm good at. So... where can I start?

Oh yeah, I haven't got time to start, because exams are next week! Gasp!

Over and out.

Letting go.

2008-03-30T19:11:00.003+08:00

I remember one HRM lecture (yeah I was paying attention) where the guy said that a leader's job is to work out of his job. That is to say, as a leader, you lead people to become leaders themselves, so that you 'lose' your own job as a leader because they can now take over.

I'll say, for all the challenges that a leader face, this last thing on the list is perhaps not really as easy as it seems. I call it, letting go.

At first glance, who doesn't want to be free of responsibilities? By all means, take over so I can take a break. Ah, but in every man, there's this thing called pride. And some of us may even feel insecure in handling responsibilites over, not having enough faith in our successors.

At the end of the day, 'our time' is indeed over. After all, there's nothing much that can be done except worry. Someone once said: Worrying is like sitting on a rocking chair; you're doing something, but you don't get anywhere.

I think God knew my anxieties. After I finally made the decision, He honoured it by reassuring me. He showed me that I'm not forsaking people by leaving, because well, they are not being forsaken. They can, as they already are, handle it on their own. And so I could make peace with myself. And even with the fact that I'm not so good anymore, because it doesn't matter anymore.

But what a small victory. There were at least two points in the recent weeks that I thought my life might change. But it didn't, really. Still the same old lazy a**. Darn. Be proactive about it, woman.. but then again, I've never been really proactive about anything. Hah.

Completely inconsequential, irrational, angry and emo-ish entry. You've been warned.

2008-03-23T01:53:00.003+08:00

I can't remember if it happened within a second or over a couple of hours. But it happened. The sudden realisation of it all. Not that I haven't had that inkling. But in that evening, it was a full-blown 'shot-in-the-head'. I had to get away. Run back. I had to leave them behind, and finally face God. Oh, the former I did, but the latter, haven't had the courage yet. Still, back in the room, it was a complete breakdown. The worthlessness, uselessness, unworthiness, and the sinfulness, of it all.
There's a part of me that is unwilling to be broken. It's a part of me, yet it doesn't seem like it is; for if it is, why can't I control it? Or perhaps, I can, but I'm actually unwilling to..? Begs the question: Who am I, really? What choice do I really want to make? I'm so scared of being the Hebrews 6:4-6 person.

Haven't done anything right. Have done everything wrong. Haven't done anything well. Have done everything badly. Haven't tried. Have slacked away. Haven't obeyed. Have rebelled. At the end of the day, I'm unsatisfied, drained and angry. I've been dwelling in the wrong places; that is, everywhere but in God.
So wrung out by it all, I can only shake my head, conveying that I don't want to talk about it. I know I know. I know what I need to do now, I know what would restore me. But as it is, I have neither the motivation, desire nor any ability to do it. Even I myself want to shake myself up, give myself a tight slap and push myself and yell at myself to Move On. But I can't. I want to cry and yell and beat up people. I guess that should serve as warning, to my kind friends out there. As my cousin would testify, I'm easily offended and annoyed if there is even a hint of insult, even if it's an innocent remark. I already know I'm good for nothing, and I already have everything telling me that, so, enough is enough dammit.

As much as all these are irrational and just plain angsty, it's not a joke. It's never funny when a person's self-worth is questioned. Oh, not questioned, .. erased, more like.

I guess it hurt because the 'erasers' are people with whom I tried to understand and be on their side. It came not from events, but from the look in their eyes and their words and actions. Suddenly, you're erased from anything that mattered, to something inconsequential. Something wrong. Something to say Bye to quickly. Something that don't matter anymore.

Thanks, I'm leaving all you behind, then. God, wait for me, please. Give me just a moment or two, but please wait. Don't even know, don't even believe, that I'll ever get there, but.. wait?

Ready

2008-03-10T22:08:00.002+08:00

to see the world.

Give a damn about it.

2008-02-20T08:07:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling very self-righteous, damn. Allow me to b**** about it. I need to.

What I can't accept is blatant atrocities. How can a person claim to be a Christian, yet have little or no regard for people around them? How can a person claim to believe and follow a loving God, and then not show love for others? That person, to me, either doesn't have God, or has too strong a sense of self. So strong, that the love of God has been pushed away.

It's a commandment, if not a natural consequence, to love others. It's not even my choice to make. Once I made the choice to follow Him, that's the commandment that I must obey, and that I want to obey. If I don't feel like I want it, I'll pray to want it.

Ugh, I'm feeling so self-righteous I'm disgusted with myself. But yeah, it pisses me off. I'd rather accept an insane person who hurts everyone around him, than a sane person who doesn't give a damn if that happens. I'd rather accept someone who genuinely isn't aware of it, then someone who knows it and still does it.

Just know I can't accept the statements like "this is me, I can't change it, I don't care etc". It'll be fine if there's a 'for now' in it, a time factor. But as a finality sort of statement, you can gth. We can change; it's a matter of want.

Like I've been saying, I'm feeling damn self-righteous. It's not like I'm much better. But at least I can say I try to understand. I stop myself from diving into reckless rebuttals and surging negative emotions, and just listen and access rationally. Yes I admit do think about what I'd do or say to 'bad people', which is so bad, but I want to say that it's a conscious effort to just be a good example. Not perfect, but I try.

So, at least, try. Not trying and not caring, without any inkling of conscience and hesitation, is like, appalling. I don't even know what to think of it but I do want to take a step away. And, at least, give a damn about it. Feel guilty, or something. Better than nothing.

Sigh. Even for such people, I try to understand them. It's so hard to love another person when there's nothing to love and plenty to hate. But, well, I want to love another person even if there appears to be nothing to love. Because a person has a precious soul, because a person was created uniquely by God, I want to love that person. Would you do the same? Do you want to?

I wonder..

2008-02-05T13:03:00.000+08:00

I wondered if there are people who, perhaps being too sensitive or over-compassionate, put the weight of the world's burdens on their own shoulders, and then, being unable to bear it, decide to take their own lives. Altruistic suicides? It's hard to suppress the surges of overwhelming compassion and helplessness, especially in the dead of the night, and especially in the midst of abundance and wealth and utter complacency by oneself and fellow human beings. From abandoned elderly, to starving children, there's almost nothing an average person can do about it. Even if they say an action goes a long way, we all know that most of the time, the consequences of that action don't get to the intended beneficiary. On the way, if not corruption, there are taxes and processing and all of sorts of procedures that dissipate the money.

Sometimes we are told to do just what we can, and do more for those around you, those that you can actually help directly. Yeah, but how can one just switch their compassion away, when the fact remains that people elsewhere are starving and dying. Indeed, what is the meaning of their lives? Born; live a life that is hardly a life; die.

I thought of the differences between someone who lives in an environment where death is not uncommon, and someone else who has only been through deaths by old age. There very well may not be any difference at all; both could suffer the same extent of loss, only that the former would go through much more pain. Or, the former may be attuned to his losses. In this case, it's scarier, because the worth of a single human's life may be less. Not that I'm concerned about the potential criminality here. It's more about that person's perception of the meaning of life. What point is there, after all, if it's just about entering the world just to suffer and then leave?

Bah. Oh, ignore the above. They come from a person who's currently cynical and tired of things and unholy and just undeserving of anything good. Who just wanted to say her peace. Who just wanted to think about something other than herself.

Stranger than you dream it.

2008-01-24T16:57:00.000+08:00

Uh huh. Things are.. strange. Different. So strange, that I don't know how else to describe it. So strange, that 'strange' is the word I utter so very often these days.

And empty. Emptiness. I feel everything and nothing all at once. I agree and disagree all at once. I'm everywhere, but nowhere. Yes, strange huh.

Thoughts run through my mind and I'm compelled to start working these fingers on the keyboard and put into words those thoughts. And then, I don't. (Although, I really just did, didn't I?)

I want, and then, I don't want. Where the hell am I? Oh yes, in a strange place. One moment it was okay and full of hope; the next, it's empty.

I tried thinking about it, but there was nothing to think about. It was empty.

In the running.

2008-01-10T15:46:00.000+08:00

Bah. Yesterday, the first day of school, and.. I was drained at the end of it. Perhaps because it started off with Pharmacology, followed by a 3 hrs sermon-like HRM lecture. And then, lindy; not forgetting that I had to be a lead for 2.5hrs. And also, the fact that there was dance for the past two nights before that. Mental energy sapped to the max. Teaching, getting a 'lil annoyed and impatient, learning, learning more, leading, and leading more. Bah. Enjoying some, I'll admit. But, my energy store is far too low. Must increase that. Somehow.

Gotta make a decision. Choice 1: physics stuff. Choice 2: Organic Chemistry stuff plus presentation, and perhaps group work. HMM. I might just go with Choice 1 and pray and hope not to flunk it. Physics is both easy and difficult, with the latter being more dominant somehow.

So, school finally began for me. Must.Start.Studying.

Recently, the topic of being oppressed or bullied by another popped up somewhere. I think I know what I might do. I already have in store those sarcastic remarks that, in a cool-as-a-cucumber manner, would infuriate that particular foul-mouthed egoistic walking mass of flesh. But, I think to myself, should that be my choice? Or should I, as they say, turn the other cheek? After all, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", right? In most cases, it's not, though, especially where the basic pride of our existence is concerned. And words spoken out, words that hurt, remain engraved in our minds. And we never forget.
For at least one point in time in that mental debate, I had this affirmed resolution. That in cases like that, I should remind myself that there is something that person doesn't have, that I do have. And that something makes all the difference. It's God's love in me, that would give me the capacity to love others. It says somewhere, to think of things that are holy and praiseworthy. It was not long ago that I realised truly how helpful that is, to keep check of what I do. It sounds almost inconsequential, but it really is a simple yet effective way to remind myself to live out a good example.

Ah, but it's hard, it's hard. Forget oppression, it's hard enough trying to be good even without provocation.
"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22
I'm wondering if it should be some guiding verse for my life this year. To flee evil, to pursue what is holy and righteous, and all out of a pure heart. Well, just wondering.

6 days and counting.

2008-01-06T17:22:00.000+08:00

It's the 6th day into 2008 and, er, it seriously isn't easy keeping resolutions. Seriously. By the third day, I was all over the place. I'm glad, though, that I had gone for that lil' BAY non-overnight watchnight session on New Year's Eve (even if I wasn't exactly that much of a youth). This is probably the first time I really mean to keep those resolutions. But argh, it's been tough. *pushes on*

Anyways, tonight's the first night after 5 weeks, that I'll not sleep at home. Yeap, it's back to school. I really like my room now, so I wonder if I'll get, er, room-sick. Hurh. Plus, most importantly, there's wonderful privacy. Yes, note the emphasis, wonderful privacy.

Oh well, back to school also means shifting focus again. I'm thankful to God, that last semester was a fairly good semester, in terms of grades. It's not colourful, really, but it's the best I've had since entering uni. Now I've rested through the hols, I just pray hard that I can put in more of that consistent effort, if not the same. If I think too much into it, I'll panic, even before school starts.. so, I'm just gonna try.

2007 was spectacular in several ways. I was way down at the bottom, but it was like in Psalm 18:16. "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters." He made things work out in a way that, no matter how strange, showed His goodness and mercy. 'Til now, I'm speechless at how it could turn out this way. Well, that year's over. 2008, well, I'm sure there's more.

Back to school.. Strange modules. Strange arrangement. Focus, focus. Darn, I'm all stressed out even before it begins. Pray then, pray. Pray for me, will you? Merci beaucoup.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.

2008-01-01T11:32:00.000+08:00

And it's 2008. A sense of starting anew, perhaps.

I see mountains and valleys before me. Oh, the steep ascents and descents. I guess my fear of heights doesn't just exist in my interaction with the environment; it's here in my mind and heart.
But I will trust. I must. I must.

Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.

The very next day.

2007-12-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

One day, I felt certain that I love God. That there was this purity somewhere that made things good. That purity that comes from God's love. Things were quite good; room for more, but still good at least. I thought, yes! At last! Perhaps this was it, perhaps I was really changed. And perhaps, changed, for good.

But the very next day, I fell. Yet again, I fell. And everything that could go wrong, went wrong right after that. There was unhappiness, pain, bad feelings and many regrets. And I can only blame myself for making that wrong decision, for actively rebelling God. And that's what you get. You reap what you sow.

I speak nonsense. Really. Sometimes, many times, I just blabber away and I regret right away, even as I'm speaking it. Why, I ask myself, why say things that have no good sense to be said whatsoever. And I start to wonder, why some friends - God bless them - actually don't mind me around, when I'm such a person. A person who spouts nonsense, which can hurt people.
Once upon a time, I was too aware of people and things happening around me, so I spoke little or none. Then I learnt to relax a bit. I guess I relaxed too much and became an insensitive person instead.

Seriously, why do you even bother. She's not worth it.

Oh God, forgive me.

And a Happy New Year.

2007-12-25T01:28:00.000+08:00

Blessed Christmas to you.

This Christmas is a little... different. Well, it's been more relaxed in a way, which is good. That opens up time and space to truly think about Christmas. Not that I've been doing that much. Anyhow, I have been thinking quite a bit. Despite the hustle and bustle of running around, getting cards and gifts, Christmas is always like a checkpoint. Side-stepping awhile on the road, take a breather, look around. And maybe decide on some things.

But it's been hard. Because I've never found it particularly easy to listen to God's voice. Heck, I don't even know how.

At least, I feel like it's closer. And that it's been better suddenly. I just need more assurance. Besides, how do you know that you're ready if you've never known what it felt like to be ready?

Well then, Happy Holidays.

Resigned.

2007-12-16T23:37:00.000+08:00

I feel resigned, resigned to this island, this place. At a glance, I appear strangely contented to stay put in this country. On the other hand, I may just be overly envious of those who get to get out and am, instead, in deep denial. Either way, I am staying put, right here, and not doing anything about it.

I liken that to the non-physical, non-material aspects of my life. Where I am now. Apparently, I'm staying put too. And not doing anything about it. I'm living as if I'm on my own, without God. That just means I'm sooo hell-damnable. Nonetheless I'm thankful, that I'm reminded every now and then that He is right here. Actually, I'm not staying put. I'm not moving, yes, but I'm sliding down like nobody's business. Well, it's God's business; He's not letting go of me, like it or not. But I feel resigned to it.

Yet in another part of my life, I feel resigned, again. Resigned to my own feelings of inadequacy. Of not being good enough, and never will be good enough. I'm afraid to fail even before it happens. I'm afraid to start believing in it.

But all these, they're not without reason. I've been stuck in a repeating cycle for the longest time ever. And the longer I'm in, the more it repeats, then the less resolute I am, that something will change. I feel resigned to it. I could do things about it, I could choose to try and not give up. But at the back of my mind, I'm already telling myself that it's gonna end up the same way, the way that I know well enough. I feel resigned.

Perhaps I'm afraid to fail. Afraid to experience pain. Worse, afraid to become a source of pain. Or stubborn. Or just plain lazy.

In my mind, I know it. I know that there's hope, there's light. But my heart doesn't believe that. My heart, is just tired. And of course, resigned.

and again.

2007-12-11T19:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's okay. Sometimes it's good, even. But sometimes, it's bad too. Confusing, really.

I wish, very hard, to be good. To be rid of impurity. At least, to have a heart that desires to be clean and pure.

This is not the first time it has passed through my mind. The wonder that God even bothers to bother about us. What is man that You are mindful of him? Or more specifically, what am I that You are mindful of me? Lord, I really wish I could reciprocate Your undying love.

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalms 86:11

Undivided.

Sigh. I'm back where I started. Perhaps I never moved. Perhaps my heart's stone cold.

LTP

2007-11-28T00:48:00.000+08:00

12 hours to The paper. The one about brains. One thing I've concluded, is that I lack much of the needed Long Term Potentiation. Ain't got no long term memory workin' here. It's got to be 'explicit' and 'semantic'. 'Episodic' could work too, but hardly. Lectures and tutorials aren't too favourable for remembering the experiences.

And even so. Even after 14.5 hours from now. Even after completing 6 exam papers. ..I have one more. Seriously, there've been a million exams this time. They keep coming. But soon. Soon. I have one consolation, despite the short time left to finish memorising stuff, that by Friday, I'll have no more exam papers to go through. Er, I'll still need to complete a full lab report by Monday, and also to decide which modules to register by Monday; but anyhow, Friday's good.

And not forgetting. Something happened. Something big. Something tragic. It's not too close to home and heart, but close enough. It was just there, just barely touching the edge of being in the whole network of relationships. But that's why it's been a strange grief. Too strange, I can't figure out exactly why. But it was painful, that's for sure. Perhaps, it was the sudden-ness, and the portrayal of life's fragility. Or having put oneself into another person's shoes. Or having too good an imagination. Or something. I guess, if I have to, I'd say then, that that fragility makes God's love even more real than ever. Still, I pray for much peace and comfort.

Gummy bears and Pilot pens.

2007-11-13T21:07:00.000+08:00

Gummy bears!

It's cruel, but their yummy-licious sacrifice keeps me un-distracted. C'est la vie.

And behold! This is the Age of the Pilot Pens.

Exam's here, so what better time to do that thing with my Pilot pens again! Yes, believe it or not, they can stand. I found that out probably around this time last year.

Aannndd that's how we know that I was distracted, despite yummy-licious gummy bears. I think they were too sweet. Hah. Never had a sweet tooth.

On a side note, I discovered renewed blogging activity over at the BAY leaders' blog. Alas! It was Jeanette and Hazel. Cool. But that reminds me that I've been out of it for maybe 1.5 years.

m-hm, yeap, that's it.

2007-11-11T20:15:00.000+08:00

It disheartens me, but it also inspires me. I see completeness and certainty, and I'm happy for them. And I'm inspired, that it can happen; it is possible. I'm touched by God's grace, I can see it clearly over there. Our recent classes have reminded me that God is not just our Father, brother and friend, He is also a great God, a powerful God. He is above all things. He is to be feared and revered. That alone refreshes my need for God.

What deters me is the 'how' of it. Empty yourself and He will fill you. Be broken before Him. Let Him be the centre of your life. Let Him touch your life. Listen to His voice. And on and on. All these, they sound good. But how on earth can they be done? How do you empty yourself? How do you break yourself? How do you offer up your life? Just, how? Once upon a time, I thought I knew. But now I'm prepared to be honest, and say I don't know. They say you just have to quieten your soul and your spirit, and listen with your heart, be in tune with God, and He will speak, and you will hear. But, how? How do you even know if you have repented?

But I'm not going to be one of those people who, because the theology of God is almost impossible to understand, and therefore, give up on it and say 'He does not exist' or 'I'm not going to give myself mental insecurities by thinking about God'. I'm not. Instead, I'm going to acknowledge that because it is incomprehensible, I am believing in a great and all-powerful God.

Change my heart, O God. That is what I plead. Change it. There's no other way I can beg for it.
And that's my prayer request, if you will.

Perhaps, then, one day I can also be complete and certain. One day I'll know what it means to have God be the centre of it all. I'll know just how. There's hope yet. Yes, yes, I might be queue no. 1049837562 in the waiting room, but I'm sure it's worth waiting for. Without hearing it, I know that God said so.

to build a dream on

2007-11-05T15:29:00.000+08:00

Slow down, you crazy child.

That's right. Let me take a breather, if only for a moment. Reports done and submitted. The weekend here and gone. Lesson (with Klaus' absolute madness) gone through and survived (not forgetting the Ferrero Rocher as a reward). It's Monday, and a week before exams; but a cool, quiet afternoon is hard to come by. So, let me stop for a moment.

Waltzes, blues, melancholic tunes.

Kd Lang's A Kiss to Build A Dream On does fine for a sit-back-and-relax atmosphere. Except that it's not going to be a sit-back-and-relax, but a sit-up-and-focus.

Now, that I've breathed some, time to get going. First stop, neurobiology. Using my brain to study the brain. How nice.

C'est difficile, mais.. c'est la vie.

Breathe in. And out.

2007-10-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you just want to stay silent, and hope your cursed life will just pass you by. Ah, that was really emo, so to speak. Cursed life. But there's at least 50% truth; sometimes, you just want to stay silent. After all, what could speaking do? It will merely sap away the already depleting amount of energy you have. You just want to breathe in and breathe out, that's all. That'll be enough already, for trying to live a life.

Where's God in this?
It's a whole big chunk of paradoxes. The more you try, the more it hurts. Yet, the more it hurts, the higher the motivation to throw off the burdens and just worship. But then.. the more it hurts.

I appear to be strong enough sometimes, strong enough to encourage, when I myself am discouraged. Those times, I can roughly see what's the right thing to do, the right way to go. But those other times, I wished I could shut my ears from the complains. Those other times, I find myself having to practise lots of mental control, just to prevent myself from crossing the edge. Even I don't know what's over the edge. Now, I only want to breath in.. and out. I don't want anything else.

I'm building a wall, and I hope, God, that you're on my side.

You name it, I've killed it.

2007-10-24T02:35:00.000+08:00

That's wildly exaggerating, of course. But the fact remains. Others could also have had their doors open, their windows open, but yet, they always come to me. They? Insects, that is. Insects, bugs, winged things, monsters, things. Beetles (I almost typed Beatles. Gee.), moths, cockroaches. Ant invasions, especially the recent one (kill them all!). Bee (Thanks Jarren for saving the night; and Serene for just, just being a fellow 'victim'). Praying mantis (No thanks to roomie, who slept soundly throughout my whole ordeal; yes, it was a whole ordeal). Bee (Again. That is, about 45 mins ago).
At least, I think it was a bee. It was just bee-looking, but slim and long, and winged, and sort of wriggly. I was freaked out for a while, but since it refused to exit by the wide-opened door, it had to die. And die, it did. I shall not fail to mention that I was, again, made to go through the whole ordeal by myself. No thanks to r*****, who had conveniently gone out to study; and was unable to help me whatsoever (I had appealed for help over sms). Oh well, I killed it anyway, so the matter's closed.

That was supposed to be the end, but I can't help noticing that it was weird to thank someone for being a fellow 'victim'. Sounded strangely sadistic. Heh. It's 3am, and post-bee-killing, so I'm not going to attempt to find a better word. The end.

A shoulder...

2007-10-21T22:53:00.000+08:00

.. to cry on.
.. to lean on.

It seems that as we grow older and, as they say, spread our wings, we lose touch with people. Literally. Gone were the days, that I could, without looking strangely childish, just cuddle into mummy's arms just because.. just because I felt like it. There's just something comforting in someone's sincere hug. Something comforting in even just being able to lean against someone. Yes, we can most definitely rely on God for all things, but sometimes you just need the physical comfort.

Well, I shan't complain much. I still cuddle against my mum sometimes. Heh.

If that isn't sheer endurance,...

2007-10-19T14:09:00.000+08:00

... I don't know what is. This stem cross-section was hand-drawn by yours truly.

It sucks, I know. No, actually I don't really know, but I'm sure it does. Anyhow, parenchyma, collenchyma, phloem, cambium, xylem, epidermis - note to self: I'm still a science student, I'm still a science student, I am still a science student. I'm leaving the labelling to the end; I don't want to screw up anything yet. Plus, it'll be nice that anyone viewing it is free to guess which part's what, so that even if it doesn't look like it, it doesn't really matter. This was hard work!

But, no, that is not all I have to do. It's never a only-have-this-to-do, but always a we-must-do-all-that. Still, before I go ahead to do "all that", there's still a luver-ly leaf cross-section. Cells, more cells. Let me try to enjoy this pseudo-science-cum-art moment. Ciao.

-Updated-

And here's the leaf. Phew. And now I can move on to do the real work.

Ow, dammit.

2007-10-09T23:57:00.000+08:00

Of all things that will make me blog something. An ulcer. No, a possible ulcer. Or rather, a source of pain.

It stings when I drink something, so I presume it must be a mouth ulcer. But I can't see it, nor feel it (shape and swelling and all). That's because it's situated far back, on the left side. Somewhere between the future wisdom tooth, and my cheek. Why do I not confirm that it's an ulcer, although it most likely is? Because it hurts like all the time. That whole area, not just the inside of the mouth, but my jaw and cheek and whatever's there. I had to not move my mouth so much. Y'know, like laugh a little more daintily, not talk so much, or not be too excited with sharing a piece of news, the like.

I borrowed roomie's Bactidol mouthwash. The actual instructions say to rinse or gargle with at 15ml of it, for 45 seconds. Best if undiluted. And best if I don't rinse my mouth with water after that. Her doctor's prescription, was to dilute it 1 part to 3 parts water. Hmm. Dilute, I did. Mild enough, it was. But it numbed my tongue. And now, with my mouth (hopefully) clean, it hurts more. Like, pristinely painful, or something.

Whatever you are, you source of pain, go away.

Crybaby!

2007-09-28T00:03:00.000+08:00

I'm a crybaby. I admit that. I cry when I am upset, when I touched by something. I cry when I am angry and annoyed and frustrated and pissed. Yes, obviously, I'm more inclined to cry when I'm pissed off. Just pisses me off!

Especially when, like now, I just don't understand how some people think. How their minds work, how their thoughts flow. How they can assume that B will happen just because there is
A, because, the truth is, A does not lead to B! B, is just wrong. There is no correlation whatsoever! And so, I'm annoyed. And it came as a double whammy, dammit. I'm pissed and frustrated and annoyed. No, I'm not crying now but I'm pissed. Plus, I'm hungry, makes it even worse. Plus, life hasn't been all good; even even worse.

I broke my watch. The glass screen cracked. The battery's running out. I'm angry with myself for dropping it. Angry that the battery's going, so I can't continue using it anyway. Annoyed that a replacement is found but what kind of a replacement is that!?! I should really be thankful, I probably will be in time to come. But right now, it's just annoying me. And I've used 'annoy' like 5 times.

Am I too hard to understand? Do I not make my opinions clear? Maybe I have too many unspoken meanings behind my words, that people can't figure out.

Crybaby.

ouch

2007-09-21T18:09:00.000+08:00

Some things.. just hurt. It could be something innocent, something unintentional, something absolutely okay, something subtle, something brief. But it hurts, nonetheless. When you know that something or someone else is at a higher priority. When something or someone else is just more worth caring for than you. When it's time to choose, people choose that something or someone else, instead of you. It's perfectly normal, perfectly understandable, which is why it should not matter. But it just hurts. You just want to ask, "But hey, what about me? Aren't I in the same situation? Don't I matter?"

No, I don't, I guess. Perhaps it's better this way. No social or mental pressures, no one's expectations to meet but your own. Perhaps it shows that you can handle it, no need for concern.

Actually, that's kind of worse. Because, at the end, when nothing goes well, it's a greater disappointment because you were trusted to be able to handle everything.

WELL, actually.. My main point was not that. I don't need concern, I just need to know that I'm in the picture. I don't need to matter, I just need to know that I exist. That, hello!, I'm here! I've lived for 21 years and still counting, and I just need to be sure that I've existed somewhere, that I'm remembered somewhere.

I thought I could finally stand up to it all. To say, no no no to bad things, and yes yes yes to the good. To live as a child in the light, being saved by God. To actively push away the bad things, and actively do the good things. To actively read His word, actively talk to Him, actively love Him. But after so long, can this commitment last indeed? It has never worked, or at least only for a little while. How? I don't know the future so the only thing now is to believe. And be what I said I would be.

There's just something missing in all of these. And that's the most important, actually; it's love. I know He loves me, I just wish I could really feel it, and fully believe in it, and live with it overflowing.

How?

uh-huh. (a very negative post)

2007-09-16T19:30:00.000+08:00

That's all I can say. I'm all over the place. I see people around me, all rejoicing and living fulfilled lives, having hope. Hope. Me, I'm just sinking into negativity. Funny, I advise people never to do that, but I guess I don't practise what I preach. It's one of those things that you can't let go, can't forget. It's too painful to. Especially when the consequences are in the future. There is anticipation. And living in anticipation of something horrible, is just.. horrible.

I know, I should stop myself. I try, but it's hard. I feel too wasted, too late for regrets, too late for changing things. This is it. I've screwed up, and it's for good.

When I was younger, I always envisioned myself to be relatively smart, to grow up smart, and have a good life, living smartly. Today, I know that's not true, and most likely won't be true. I'm, after all, someone who is dependent on others, who can't think for myself, who can't make decisions, who can't think critically, who just wants to do nothing all day, and more. I had thought that, even though I'm not tall and beautiful and interesting and charismatic, I still have my brains and independence to bring me through. Today, I know that's not true.

"But I couldn't tell you /Why she felt that way /She felt it everyday /And I couldn't help her /I just watched her make /The same mistakes again /What's wrong, what's wrong now /Too many, too many problems /Don't know where she belongs /Where she belongs

She wants to go home but nobody's home /That's where she lies broken inside /With no place to go, no place to go /To dry her eyes/Broken inside

Open your eyes And look outside /Find the reasons why /You've been rejected /And now you can't find /What you left behind /Be strong, be strong now /Too many too many problems /Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs

Her feeling she hides /Her dream she can't find /She's losing her mind /She's fallen behind /She can't find her place /She's losing her faith /She's fallen from grace /She's all over the place "

Right, I know that's somewhat exaggerating this whole thing. What to do, I'm naturally inclined to negativity. Anyhow, I believe I'm bipolar. Because at the same time, I also know that I can find hope in God. After all, His love surpasses everything right? I know He's here, somewhere.

So, I'm ending my post in a "politically correct" way. I just ended it on a hopeful note. Right.

a taster.

2007-09-13T18:07:00.000+08:00

Yup, you never know until you've experienced it yourself.

This morning, just about 7.55am, we woke up to the door rattling, to a constant rhythm. Mel got up, thinking someone was knocking. Me, I was stunned. Because besides hearing the door, I felt the bed rocking, to the same rhythm as the door. I was like, what the hell? Plus, we just woke up, all dazed and easily disillusioned. I even thought that for some reason, my alarm clock was rocking the house down, trying to wake me up. But NO, of course not. When I got out of bed however, I didn't feel any obvious tremors whatsoever, although I expected it. But the door kept on its peculiar rhythm, almost poltergeist-like. Even after Mel opened it, and closed it, it went on. I did the same thing, closed it, but held it against the doorframe, released, and it was gone.

Door rattling isn't something new for us NTU hostel folks. Live-firing beside our campus often cause our doors to rattle and our curtains to pulse with the bomb beats. But those were just one-off rattles and pulses. This morning, it was to a constant rhythm.

Basically, it freaked me out abit. My first thought had been supernatural alarm clock, followed by earthquake. Then I was like, earthquake? Here, in Singapore? Maybe I'd be less surprised if I had perchance hopped down to the TV lounge to catch some news. Well, I'd never, but anyhow. I was informed later that there was an earthquake in Indonesia, but that was last night! In any case, most recent news confirmed that there WAS a 2nd one that hit Indonesia around 7.45am. So it took about 10 minutes or so, to reach us.

I'm just thinking that, with such relatively super-mild tremors, no, vibrations, I could be struck with some fear. What more, for those who receive the full impact? Who could find peace in the violent tremors, and in its aftermath?

I wonder if I'd have felt different, if I had instead woken up at 7.30am and gone through all that wide-awake.

quick note

2007-09-10T09:01:00.000+08:00

This is how we know that my english has deteriorated. "Hell hath no fury like a woman's wrath"? NOT. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Sigh. Or perhaps it was because I was really angry. Well, in our case, it's "Hell hath no fury like women scorned", taken than our committee appears to be all girls.

Off to school. Well, technically, I am already in school. But not school per se. Heh.

my corner of the sky, indeed.

2007-09-09T17:16:00.000+08:00

Was blog surfing for awhile. Then tried to look at my blog from anyone-except-myself's perspective. "My Corner of The Sky" is my blog heading. And so I realised that it's been my blog name since the beginning of blogging, even for the other (neglected) one at Open Diary. Where'd I get it?

Back in sec sch days, I was following - reading - a particular teenage fiction. Source of books: friendly Toa Payoh Community Library. "California Diaries". In the event of making sure that was the correct title, I was informed by Wikipedia that it is actually a spin-off from The Baby Sitters' Club. I never knew that! And of course I didn't; I NEVER read TBSC despite it being a popular series among teenage girls, at that time. Well, so yep, California Diaries. "My corner of the sky" was a line in one of the girl's poem.

In fact, California Diaries was what inspired me to actually start writing journals for real. I was quite intrigued by how they wrote, especially stating not only the date of entry, but time and place as well! That was how I started writing. It felt exciting and new, after all, it was no longer a daily diary, where we wrote at most one entry per day. This was journal which recorded anything, anytime! It felt like that was what journal writing was really about; writing down your thoughts and feelings anytime, anywhere. Nowadays, I leave out the venue though, sometimes it's too troublesome to be that specific.

_____________

Recently, I've taken to 'piano therapy'. Considering that I can only play it during the weekends, there is this underlying motivation to get through the week quick and go home. I've been blessed with a coursemate who also enjoys music, especially japanese anime types! Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Howl's Moving Castle etc. Somehow, their music are composed in such a way, that there's this ethereal, castle-in-the-clouds kind of atmosphere created. That's therapy, to me. Plus, at the end, I always feel satisfied having exercised my fingers.

Yesterday I fell into a serious mood swing. No wait, not swing, because it didn't swing back to the good side. I finally reached home after 1.5hrs of travelling, threw off my bags (gently, for the laptop), whipped out the new piano scores, and began the therapy. I didn't necessarily feel better, but it was way better than dwelling in melancholy.

Today, I am angry.

2007-09-06T00:32:00.000+08:00

and I choose to believe that I'm rightly so. If there was an award for the Unluckiest Club, that would be Kinetics Lindy Hop. Denied air-conditioning, denied dance studios, virtually no available new leads, minimal establishment of Lindy basics after a year, virtually no real relationship with JS, last minute change of instructor, denied use of shoes, denied use of tap shoes, and more to come, I'm so sure. One day, everyone decided to go against us. It was a Lindy-fied version of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

(Before I continue, perhaps I should provide a caution, that this post is most likely biased and purely-out-of-fury. But hell hath no fury like a woman's wrath. So this post will be here for at least awhile, until one day I regret writing this whole bit.)

So tell me, how can one mistake black-shoe-sole stains on a parquet floor, for chewing gum stains? I WONDER. Even if chewing gum stains could be purely black, and I mean purely, doesn't that have to take at least a million people walking over it before it turns completely black? And it's a flat stain, non-sticky. I really wonder. Assuming that no other anonymous fool sneaked into the dance room and spat chewing gum all over, there are two possibilties. Either the accuser is a utpsdi fool, or he.. no wait, he would be a ptidus fool.

Either way, fine. We might have caused the shoe stains anyway. But he'd still be one dstipu fool, because he decided that footwear shall be restricted from the dance room. The shiny, pristine parquet floor should be scratch-free, stain-free, shoe-free. See how much we maintain the conditions of the facilities! Oh but please don't step on it. I guess, 'dance studio' no longer holds any meaning, except for the 11 alphabets it is made up of.

And we wonder why art is not so established in our school. The school management, in general, has virtually no awareness, whatsoever, of art forms. Perhaps, art only means, paintings and sculptures. "So, purchase some of those and place them in the offices; that'd be art."
But back to the topic.
I'm also wondering, if people, in general, have anything against swing, dance and music and all. Perhaps because jazz or swing, breaks away from the norm? I admit, I have barely any awareness of trends and society's preferences, but from what I see, swing, at least, is hardly popular. But.. why? And I'm talking about the real swing, not jive or any modified forms. The savoy and all. Lindy Hop, Charlestons, Tap etc. Don't tell me they are related to pagan origins (*gasp!*).
On a further off-tangent, off-topic note, I have always wondered, if it was wrong or inappropriate, as a Christian, to do partner dance, specifically Lindy Hop. I do know, for sure, that some people might frown at the physical closeness, but.. Just, but! I have never really reached an answer.

Back to where I was.. It's not just the school management. I don't really trust in the ex-co either. I do not see much passion for the arts. Mainly obligations to their individual duties.

To be even more side-tracked, I'll say that people nowadays are more inclined to burying their faces in books and computers, than invest time in other activities.

So. I am still irked, by the outright disregard for a decent, reasonable resolution to the problem. What happened to students' welfare? And now it freaks me out, that there is a possibility that when I enter that phase of working life, I'm going to be like them, being unable to withstand students' or 'young people's ' recklessness. eww. NOT a good prospect. But but, this incident is really too ridiculous. Blatantly!