why me

i'm tired. funny thing is, what i'm tired of, might not even exist. only I Think it's there so i get tired of it. but maybe it's just my imagination.

but why me?
well yes, maybe i'll be really upset if it wasnt me but someone else. but now that it's me, why me? so so so very tired of it. wishing it could stop. but yet also wishing it'll not. feeling like i want it, but then maybe i don't.

sometimes i wish God could tell us whatever He wanted to tell us like in a normal conversation. so that it might be a little clearer than a small voice in the head or a nudging of the soul. but i guess we'll all fall down dead if He does cuz we're so not worthy of it. but i just wish. because i'm tired of going through all possibilities of a possible message that may be coming from Him. and scared as well. that i'm not thinking it right. that i'm imagining things. so what? take a step back and look at the big picture?? yeah i could do that, and then nothing goes into my head. not even a soft whisper.

so.. i just go along with things.. time and tide waits for no man anyway (cliche..). it's emotionally exhausting. one moment, i'm telling myself to face reality and throw out the false hope. the next moment, i'm thinking 'hey, maybe it's possible, who knows'. I'm not even sure what i want now. and i cannot talk to anyone about it. because it's one of those 'hidden' stuff. it's not me, on the outside.

and it happened before. putting in false hope. and circumstances then seemed to support this hope. yet the truth is that i would be disappointed. and i was. so now i'm telling myself to not fall into that trap again. but Hozanna, you're so weak. and foolish. at the back of my mind, I know the truth. but i deny it, because i want it? or i only think i want it because i've never felt it. and for once, i MIGHT have the chance to experience it. but no, because somehow i KNOW it'll never happen. of course, then after saying that, something in me only HOPES that someone can prove me wrong.

I dont make sense, do i?

I used to think that people who say things like what i've said so far were just spilling out words to impress others with their much-thought-through thoughts. I felt like they weren't really experiencing it, or they were just making a big fuss out of everything. then i look at myself and realise i just rebuked myself. so i guess i am making a big fuss out of everything. i've found myself to be a Dreamer. too much carried away by my imaginations, which is probably what the False Hope is feeding on. useless imaginations. a waste of time. a waste of emotions.
I don't make sense.