Things would be alot easier if I was a person who is more outspoken. Not loud, or crazy about having fun. Just more than I am now. Yes, everything I'm doing now will be ALOT easier. I'm so tired. now, I really don't want to do whatever I'm supposed to do. Now, I can't even BE quiet because it would mean I'm not okay. MAybe; but I'm probably also just comfortable when I shut up. I spoke of stepping out of my comfort zone to talk to people. but that was then. after so long, I'm still stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't deny that sometimes I really enjoy talking, enjoy company. but nowadays, a person's company is only company when there is talking. I wish that it wasn't so. I wish that there can be no awkwardness when the person and I do not speak. that the person and I do not need to struggle in our minds to find something to say, a question to ask.
I want to cry. because if I look at myself like another person would, I see a pathetic figure. Nothing's changing for the better. And I'm not doing anything to change the situation. I don't know what I really want anymore. I don't know what I really feel either. I haven't put it the effort to really think. And all this SHOULD NOT be coming from me because I've all the time it the world to prevent that from happening.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, stuff in fiction stories hardly happen in real life. At least, I know I do not have the power and ability to escape silently. To suddenly shut myself out. Not forever; but just to retreat to a really private space to really think and reflect. In this real world, it is impossible. because it will take more than a day. By then, loved ones will be worried and praying for me. I will appreciate it, and even feel guilty for making them worried.

The ultimate problem, is that I don't want to grow up. I really don't want to. I wish I can stay 19 at most. Let time pause. because this is just the right, perfect time of life; yet it is the shortest too. In the past, university seemed so far away. Now that it's here, I'm scared. because I don't know where I'm going. I'm not confident at all.

I don't know if I'll ever have what I want. Everytime I thought about it, I came up with this theory that unless I really learn to let go of what I yearn for, God won't even consider giving it to me. And so I concluded that I won't ever get it, because I can't let go.

Sigh, I really hate myself sometimes.