i kept telling myself, Why aren't you giving in? Why aren't you going with it? Why are you holding back? Don't you want this? Do you want this? What are you thinking?

So manymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymanymany things. too many. but I can't escape.

It is all about the search for God. Finding God.

But.. it's so hard. too hard sometimes. And things that come by don't help at all. makes it worse. And the basic solution, the most crucial method, is not easy to do, to keep to, to be faithful to.

It is perhaps the way of Man, the human nature, or the world today, that forces me to want to forget it all and just live with it. Too tired and bothersome to solve it, to try to make something better. Too tired. and stagnant. Just sit back and suffer.

Even though I know. I know the motivation. I know full well the goodness of it. I know. But I don't feel it. I'm numb. Ask me, How are you? I can only genuinely reply okay. because I don't know how I feel, how I am. Then, well, my answer should rightfully be, I'm down in the pits.

Max Lucado in A Gentle Thunder illustrated how people fall into dark pits in wild canyons when they fail, meet a . How some climb back out. How some live in denial, that they're Not in a dark hold. And some just..wander around, lost and dejected.

"What are you doing?
-Just wandering around."