can things be worse?

I guess so, but this is as bad as it is.

I expected to feel a whole lot relieved after JDC. but I didn't. I figured cuz there was the EOSP to deal with. So I expected to feel a whole lot relieved after EOSP. but I didn't. I figured cuz there was exams and everything to catch up. I realised that I haven't, after all, been more hardworking this sem. I realised, that I might have screwed up my future (read: lousy std degree).
And then there are many other issues, that I might not elaborate specifically here, in view that people do come across here occasionally. (Then again, why'd I blog if I didn't want people to know? -I'll leave that unanswered.)
At the end of the day, I feel sad and down and just lousy. And I guess I'm so not helping myself, listening to sad-sounding songs like Santa Monica (Savage Garden), and Home (Michael Bublé). But they are SO the mood right now.
Suddenly, some things that should not, and do not happen, are happening. And it's just plain weird. And it's screwing up my perception of myself.
And some things are happening, throwing me abit off balance. I guess, I need more than ever to learn to be dependent on God. I've been forgetting to do that, perhaps that's why I'm so tired.
Because of dance, I've been so busy. Now that it's over, there's this huge void. A HUGE detachment from everyone. I feel like everyone's so unfamiliar to me. And our interactions are just plain superficial. Nothing deep anywhere. I feel un-involved. And it's screwing up my mind as well. I feel like I'm thrown back to the beginning, when I felt that I couldn't fit anywhere. I want to care, but I don't know what to say. And like for church camp, I don't know where to go. I might be too old and detached from BAY, yet I don't really know anyone in the young adults. And people in the young adults, feel so.. different.
I don't want to be like that, because I know Some people do care, but these some people have more important issues to deal with. Who wants to be an unnecessary additional burden? So I should just.. BE fine.

This is a very very weird period to get by. I just feel so down in the dumps, though I shouldn't be. And weird things are happening too. In physical terms, things aren't going to change. The only thing that can make me better, is God and my faith in Him and my own perseverance. But if I lack the latter two, which I probably do, I'm not going to help make things better.
It's horrible because, at any time, when I have time to think about it, I feel like crying and venting some physical energy somewhere. But in that situation, I have to remain tearless and rather still. So everything's squashed up inside. Today, I used the game in my phone to take my mind off. I think I'll need the stress ball everywhere I go.

please don't worry, though. It's just going to make things worse. Stress ball will work for me. *smiles.. sorta*