m-hm, yeap, that's it.

It disheartens me, but it also inspires me. I see completeness and certainty, and I'm happy for them. And I'm inspired, that it can happen; it is possible. I'm touched by God's grace, I can see it clearly over there. Our recent classes have reminded me that God is not just our Father, brother and friend, He is also a great God, a powerful God. He is above all things. He is to be feared and revered. That alone refreshes my need for God.

What deters me is the 'how' of it. Empty yourself and He will fill you. Be broken before Him. Let Him be the centre of your life. Let Him touch your life. Listen to His voice. And on and on. All these, they sound good. But how on earth can they be done? How do you empty yourself? How do you break yourself? How do you offer up your life? Just, how? Once upon a time, I thought I knew. But now I'm prepared to be honest, and say I don't know. They say you just have to quieten your soul and your spirit, and listen with your heart, be in tune with God, and He will speak, and you will hear. But, how? How do you even know if you have repented?

But I'm not going to be one of those people who, because the theology of God is almost impossible to understand, and therefore, give up on it and say 'He does not exist' or 'I'm not going to give myself mental insecurities by thinking about God'. I'm not. Instead, I'm going to acknowledge that because it is incomprehensible, I am believing in a great and all-powerful God.

Change my heart, O God. That is what I plead. Change it. There's no other way I can beg for it.
And that's my prayer request, if you will.

Perhaps, then, one day I can also be complete and certain. One day I'll know what it means to have God be the centre of it all. I'll know just how. There's hope yet. Yes, yes, I might be queue no. 1049837562 in the waiting room, but I'm sure it's worth waiting for. Without hearing it, I know that God said so.