The very next day.

One day, I felt certain that I love God. That there was this purity somewhere that made things good. That purity that comes from God's love. Things were quite good; room for more, but still good at least. I thought, yes! At last! Perhaps this was it, perhaps I was really changed. And perhaps, changed, for good.

But the very next day, I fell. Yet again, I fell. And everything that could go wrong, went wrong right after that. There was unhappiness, pain, bad feelings and many regrets. And I can only blame myself for making that wrong decision, for actively rebelling God. And that's what you get. You reap what you sow.

I speak nonsense. Really. Sometimes, many times, I just blabber away and I regret right away, even as I'm speaking it. Why, I ask myself, why say things that have no good sense to be said whatsoever. And I start to wonder, why some friends - God bless them - actually don't mind me around, when I'm such a person. A person who spouts nonsense, which can hurt people.
Once upon a time, I was too aware of people and things happening around me, so I spoke little or none. Then I learnt to relax a bit. I guess I relaxed too much and became an insensitive person instead.

Seriously, why do you even bother. She's not worth it.

Oh God, forgive me.