Giving thanks.

I say it's a blessing that something strange happened to my laptop such that I use it much less, that is, not from morning til night when I'm at home. I discovered how dependent I am on it to entertain myself, which is not good at all. This strange thing that happened, forced me off the laptop. Which is good, because with nothing else to do, I decided to read. I read the Bible, and other books on Christianity, did some mini bible study. Of course, looking at the circumstances, I didn't really mean to do these things, but I did anyway and it feels like I'm finally making some progress! This is how I know God hasn't forsaken me. My discipline is nearly non-existent, so I believe that He planned that circumstances will lead me to have no other thing to do except spend time reading His word. It's debatable, of course, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and this is the clearest.

It's not the only thing I'm thankful for. By God's grace, I got an A for my project. My heart jumped a little when I saw the letter A. And I thought that's all to the results. Then I looked down and there's this sentence in caps that stated, kind of indifferently, that I have gotten a Second Class (Lower Division) Honours. My heart leaped! At least since Year 3, I was convinced and certain that I could only have a third class, at best. And even if I managed to calculate a possibility of Second Lower by having a really good grade for my project, I thought it was impossible to have a good grade for my project. Like, who, me? A good grade? B, at best. I'm shocked and I still think that the grades will change halfway. It's unreal and undeserving. 'Thankful' is an understatement to what I feel towards God. It's a surprise through and through. I'm calmly sitting at my desk, but I'm elated inside! I can trust our BA choir mistress to come up with happy words starting with 'E'! Hah!

Okay I know Second Lower is just as lousy, and not much better than Third class. But it means the world to me. That's why I'm not totally ashamed to say it out here. I'm a Second Lower Honours student, so what? Naturally I am a little ashamed, because the world today tells us that grades matter and a lousy grade means that you're not good enough. Worse, this exists within the church as well. Pray that they will study hard and get good grades. Er, so, if I don't get a good grade, what does that mean? Plus, the awkward responses to not doing well, oh... okay.. hmm. I'd like to follow the example of Aunty Xu in LN; she always sincerely say 感谢主, for the good and the bad.

I'll always remember being encouraged one Sunday by Leon's sharing, that at the end of the day, our bad grades don't matter, it's what we gained from the process and how we grow spiritually in God, that really matter. I think most of us know that already, but we're easily swayed to meet the world's expectations. After all, we're living in the world, we usually can't help it.

I've been through many moments of 'coming back to God' but I never stayed for long, mostly backsliding very quickly. This time, like those other times, I want to stay and grow deep roots. Like those other times, I say this with uncertainty and weak faith. But I do want very much to live better, instead of wasting my time with things that don't store up treasures in heaven. I'm already 23, been a Christian for about 13 years, shouldn't waste anymore time going round in circles.

How does one stay true to a commitment? Dunno. But I think I'm ready, for whatever it takes.