Sentimental lah.

Ah ma’s passing and then Elok’s leaving, are the same type of change in life that makes it so apparent that life moves on. These are the type that hits you like a punch in the stomach, knocks the breath out of you. One moment here, the next moment gone.

We can’t help it. We will always feel like we’ve taken things for granted and regret the past. We cannot avoid feeling like we could have done more while we could, because we will always be able to find something more.

Sure, our helper didn't die, she’s alive and well, just not with us. We’ve said goodbyes to friends too, right? But friends are friends, there’s always a chance that you will see them again. But our helper is like our employee, we don’t really have any reason to expect to meet ever again. Perhaps we will, but chances are unlikely.

So for both of these events, I feel a certain painful ache in my chest. It’s my reluctance for things to change. But things don’t really change right? Except for housework, life’s pretty much the same. I still go to work, I still do the same things everyday. And it’s not like I chat with her. What’s different?

It’s just a certain loss, an empty space. Something was once there and now it’s not. And it’ll always be sudden. For Ah ma as well, memories remain so vivid, it’s still so easy to recall what it was like before. You’d think that as time passes, it gets less painful. Sure, you think about it a lot less, but when you do think about it again, it’s like opening up old wounds, and the pain’s exactly the same. Old habits die hard. Perhaps more time then.

That’s life. Things change, but things also stay exactly the same. What should I do about that?

I guess, I don’t deal with loss very well after all. Too sentimental.