anti-social me

blogs are great. they allow me to let people know how i'm doing without me having to tell them directly. save the physical effort of speaking and repeating my life story over and over again. but i find i will never reveal everything. things that only God and myself will ever know. things that, if mentioned, will make those who know me think, "huh is this the hozzy/hozanna i know? no, it cant be. she's not like this. she doesnt say things /do things like this." no i dont mean bad stuff. i'm referring to stuff that other people also do, but i don;t because it doesnt fit into my personality. so i guess i have let myself be known to people in a different way. no i dont lie, at least i hope i haven't. i just don't reveal my innermost thoughts on certain things. and if i do, it's like a different me. the process of placing this perception of me in others' minds is perhaps something irreversible. even if it's reversible, i'm afraid to make any changes because people will look at me in a different way. talk to me differently. for better or for worse? i dont know.
am i hiding the real me? maybe. maybe i'll feel insecure and 'exposed' if don't do this.
maybe one day i'll let my feelings and thoughts known. maybe never. but for now, i'll remain as i already am.

so many changes in my life. having graduated. having spent ALOT of time with my dear JC classmates. having met MANY relatives again. having found a job and getting to know new friends (and employers for the first time). these events involve so much communication.. sociability. too much for me. so being me, I let myself be pushed, or fall, into an anti-social mode. leave me alone. let me BE alone. just wanting private space. not wanting to talk...at all. no i'm not being moody. i'm not unhappy. i just want to 'rest' from all the talking and laughing and having to think of what to say and how to respond. tires me out. i'm not physically tired. just...want to rest.
maybe i havent spent enough time talking to God.
yeah so i will seem really really anti-social. like today. as if i'm really tired. or something;s really wrong with my life. maybe there is something wrong here. but good news is, this is temporary, i believe. it's like a holiday. i know it sounds ridiculous, especially for those who are naturally sociable and friends and loved ones are like their carbon dioxide(it's presence results in the stimulus to breathe.) so.. ya.

i guess as a leader, i shouldn't be like that. so the fact that i am like that, makes me pretty upset. doubting my abilities. so i guess i gotta change.
happy new year.