but hey.. these 'hidden' things got to do with a big part of my life. what do i do with them. i leave them unspoken?.. will it affect anything? yet i write down my thoughts in my journal. not that i really want to keep them inside. so many times i feel the urge to spill it all out to someone. but i cant do it. cuz who will be my confidante? who can i trust? who can i trust to not laugh at me, even in the privacy of their hearts and minds? ..to not mock me. so i try to ignore the fact that a big part of me is hidden. but then something bugs me. making me feel like i'm not being true to myself. so i think of talking to at least one person. but then i feel so insecure. no. no one is up to the standard except God. is that enough? because it's not just a part of me. it's a true side of me that may be in contrast to what i make myself to be in front of others.
Hozzy.. is the girl who is not to bullied. the girl who will give you the 'evil look'. the girl who is not pretty. the girl who used to be someone really quiet and now is more than that. the girl who is sometimes moody and then sometimes cheerful. the girl who is short. the girl who doesnt look her age, but younger. the girl who looks fierce and moody when she doesnt smile. the girl without the perfect set of teeth. the girl without the perfect skin. the girl definitely without perfect hair. the girl who doesnt contribute much to discussions and such. the girl who finds it really difficult to look her age. the girl who really dislikes someone (person X). the girl who has never been in love. the girl who is not in love. the girl who doesnt seem to care if she ever falls in love. the girl who doesnt think she has a special someone. the girl who seems like she will not cry over certain things; she's tough enough. the girl who doesnt know where she's going in her life. the girl who lacks self-esteem. the girl who...is just lacking.
but hey yes i used to be really quiet, but that part of me is still here.
am i really tough enough?
even some of these may be not what others perceive me to be.. what is seemingly true or untrue.. which of these has or have another truth to it. meaning, i lied? maybe maybe.
so what's the point of me blabbering here if i'm not gonna say it ANYWAY.. well, that;s the fun part about blogs eh.. let people know there's something, but dont show it.
ugh.. journal, here i come. and God, i'll be talking to You.
an afterthought: it's new year's day.. and so much thoughts. ah, how wonderful. i say, a great way to start the new year. way to go.
1 comment:
? hey... it's ok to be hidden in places from the world. I think all of us are not completely transparent. Thank God that we can come to Him clean. (yes, i journal too... alot...)
I dunno how you feel about who you think you are, but I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. I'm short and don't look my age too... i think sometimes, worser still, I find it difficult to act my age. People have come to expect something of 20 year olds, and there's this wide gulf between who I am, and how I am to portray myself. Thank God, that when He created us, His way was simply the truth... that we are wonderfully made. And so others and ourself included may consider all the "uns" and "nots" and "isn'ts" and as you say, lacking... but God created us whole, full and complete. So while we may see things lacking, I guess it's important to remember what we are in God's eyes and what we can become. ha.. and the whole guy thing... you're not the only girl either... seriously... not me perhaps (ha... =) ) but i know least a handful that have no guy ideals whatsoever, and are content with that.
=) love ya!
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