I don't get it. Things should have been cleared up. but I still don't get it. I'm even more confused. How can it be this way?? So then, what am I? where am I? Nothing changes. And I still can't do it. Can't go back to the way it was, assuming it was really ever THAT way. But ironically, at the same time, I'm afraid to face it. I can't say it out, fearing that IF it really is this way, then I'm really forever damned. However, I'm also convinced this IS the way it is. Who can cut me up, take out my heart, and tell me the truth? It's weird, how like a stranger to myself I can be. Absolutely clueless.

And am I hypocritical? Why, why can I even reach a state of cheerfulness? When, really, there's a bigger, life-and-death problem at hand 24/7? Like I said, I think I don't give a damn about it anymore. Which is, bad, I guess. I know it's bad.

I hope I don't scare the 'younger' ones who know me, assuming they even read this. It's... say, a 'spiritual crisis'. So don't worry about it, and don't worry you'll ever get here. You won't. And don't let yourself anyways, it's not a nice place to be.

So I look around. And see so many.. potential-filled lives. People going down the right path, doing the right things, receiving the blessings. Everything's going fine. Sure, it's not easy. But they push through, and emerge victorious. They believe in Him, they love Him, He loves them. They fall, they climb back up. How? They've got the love! And I'm happy for you. I really am.

I think, it began when I realised I wasn't living it right. So I tried to figure out why. Why I could let it go on for so long, why I wasn't urged/spurred to do something to make things right. I started to think, OH no, have I lost the faith? But no, I still believe. Then, I thought, maybe I just don't have the motivation. Why so? I should be wanting to be like Him. That desire should come from loving God. And THEN, I realised, maybe, maybe I actually don't. And the more I thought of the possibility, the more I saw that that could very be the case; it must be the case. What else could explain why I let things go on the way they shouldn't. And I searched and searched my heart and mind, but I couldn't find anything. I looked to my actions, because it shows in the way you live your life. But I couldn't find it. I think I don't-

I lost it, I don't know how, and I don't know how to get it back.

So assuming I'm right. I think one of the greatest fear now, is that I really don't want to get it back. Is this what we call, the sinful nature? An evil side of me, that doesn't feel like me at all, yet it IS a part of me. It's like a 'devil' voice in the head, nudging, coaxing, to walk the plank. I know that entity wants to do something wrong, yet I myself seem to feel exhilarated from that rebellion as well.
So confused. Where to go from here. How.
Already, there is a sense of resignation. There are no more 'good times'. They are but bittersweet memories.