*cynical smirk*

directed at myself.

It never seem to get better. Although it does seem like it, but I guess it really isn't. Now that I've spoken to someone with authority, it's like a phase passed. So, things can only get better, or worse. It can't stay the same, because to stay the same, is to not get better, which is worse. And I think it's Worse. And even WORSE, I seem even more nonchalant than ever. 'Don't know, don't care.' What to do what to do.

Everything seem so meaningless. And I get so critical. which makes me hate everything around me. The goal, seem so much further than ever. And I'm just sitting here. Looking on. but not doing anything. Don't want to do anything. don't know if whatever might work can work. don't want to find out. Just, sit.

So tired. And I know why. Yet, I seem like an unrepentant sinner. Can't make things turn around.

Aptly described, -
'Oh God, I don't love you, I don't even want to love you, but I want to want to love you!'
- Teresa of Avila [Reaching for the Invisible God, Philip Yancy]

So, I guess, I'm in deep shit. :(