我不干了，可以吗?

Recently, on Wednesdays before 7.30pm, I expected to come back after 10pm, feeling happy. But recently, on Wednesdays after 10pm, I came back upset and sad and down and feeling like a total failure.

Can't you see? I'm not meant to do this. I can't do this. They say everything happens for a reason, a good purpose. Even if it seems bad. So, what? Am I supposed to go through this, KNOWING that I don't have the ability to do so? Am I supposed to accept that I'm going to learn the hard way? I feel so stupid, that I now can ONLY follow through the year, knowing that I shouldn't. And everybody's just like, Phew she's the one in charge, not me, so, none of my business.
I do not have a choice. I only wanted to help, to contribute.
You say that I'll gain the experience, first time for everything. Yet, you expect me to do things AS IF it's not my first time. As if i know everything. You say, ask me questions if you're not sure. But what if I don't even know what I'm supposed to know? Isn't that very ironic?

How will I endure the workplace in the future? I'm still in school, but there are so many underhand things that people do. I'm lying through and through, because 'that's just the way it's been'.
Am I wrong here? Am I just lazy and refusing to try new things? Am I just timid? But... it's wrong! You say, 'just tell them this just tell them that', but..isn't that just a nicer way of say, tell a lie. I'm compromising without a choice. If I don't, will this refusal to submit to underhand methods be conferred to the next team? We'll be shortchanged.
This is why it's so stressful, because there are so many things to keep in mind. These things are lies. Lie to cover up one after another.
Every choice has a reason behind it. I say, it's more like a motive. A scheme.

So you see, I won't fall off the cliff.
I'll jump.




Oh Don't worry, I'll most likely be really happy and normal when you see me. No problem. Don't ask, DON'T. You don't have to learn that hard lesson of asking the question that will cause a river of tears. I think Ben learnt it the hard way.


Still, where's that shoulder. No one, NO ONE, can take away the burdens. NO ONE can share it. but I think I'll appreciate crying over it.

Watch me jump.