laughter and smiles and chit-chat

Which is the truth? What you feel in the moment, or what comes to you at the end of the day? You laugh, and you have a good time. A great time, perhaps. You smile, and you chat cheerfully. You actually respond normally to peoples' conversational attempts. You feel okay, or even good. You feel like everything is uplifting, and worthwhile.
But at the end of the day, you feel empty. Emptier, now that you've apparently got through the day with laughter and smiles and chit-chat. Because you already knew that nothing has been worthwhile, and all these laughter and smiles and chit-chat have just been mere masks. And because you know that, at that particular moment, you were deceived by yourself, through laughter or smiles or chit-chat.

I might very well be in the territory which I feared I'd step into. The indifference, and nonchalance. And the sense of split personality pops up again. You want to change, but you don't really want to, either. You try to change, but you fail. Over and over again. It's neverending. But I'm not a nutcase.. yet. I know what's going on. Which is why I feel worse. Because even knowing it, is not stopping me from going on on this.. damned, cursed, shadowed, wrapped in the slithering darkness path. I disgust myself. But I'm still walking on.
It's been going on forever. When will things change? What will the trigger be for the change? Where will the turning point be?

The book says, that to be broken, is the beginning of revival. Ah, I guess I'm a stubborn hard material.

At the end of the day, there's just emptiness. Time wasted. Energy wasted. Affections wasted. Emptiness.