ouch

Some things.. just hurt. It could be something innocent, something unintentional, something absolutely okay, something subtle, something brief. But it hurts, nonetheless. When you know that something or someone else is at a higher priority. When something or someone else is just more worth caring for than you. When it's time to choose, people choose that something or someone else, instead of you. It's perfectly normal, perfectly understandable, which is why it should not matter. But it just hurts. You just want to ask, "But hey, what about me? Aren't I in the same situation? Don't I matter?"

No, I don't, I guess. Perhaps it's better this way. No social or mental pressures, no one's expectations to meet but your own. Perhaps it shows that you can handle it, no need for concern.

Actually, that's kind of worse. Because, at the end, when nothing goes well, it's a greater disappointment because you were trusted to be able to handle everything.

WELL, actually.. My main point was not that. I don't need concern, I just need to know that I'm in the picture. I don't need to matter, I just need to know that I exist. That, hello!, I'm here! I've lived for 21 years and still counting, and I just need to be sure that I've existed somewhere, that I'm remembered somewhere.


I thought I could finally stand up to it all. To say, no no no to bad things, and yes yes yes to the good. To live as a child in the light, being saved by God. To actively push away the bad things, and actively do the good things. To actively read His word, actively talk to Him, actively love Him. But after so long, can this commitment last indeed? It has never worked, or at least only for a little while. How? I don't know the future so the only thing now is to believe. And be what I said I would be.

There's just something missing in all of these. And that's the most important, actually; it's love. I know He loves me, I just wish I could really feel it, and fully believe in it, and live with it overflowing.

How?