uh-huh. (a very negative post)

That's all I can say. I'm all over the place. I see people around me, all rejoicing and living fulfilled lives, having hope. Hope. Me, I'm just sinking into negativity. Funny, I advise people never to do that, but I guess I don't practise what I preach. It's one of those things that you can't let go, can't forget. It's too painful to. Especially when the consequences are in the future. There is anticipation. And living in anticipation of something horrible, is just.. horrible.

I know, I should stop myself. I try, but it's hard. I feel too wasted, too late for regrets, too late for changing things. This is it. I've screwed up, and it's for good.

When I was younger, I always envisioned myself to be relatively smart, to grow up smart, and have a good life, living smartly. Today, I know that's not true, and most likely won't be true. I'm, after all, someone who is dependent on others, who can't think for myself, who can't make decisions, who can't think critically, who just wants to do nothing all day, and more. I had thought that, even though I'm not tall and beautiful and interesting and charismatic, I still have my brains and independence to bring me through. Today, I know that's not true.

"But I couldn't tell you /Why she felt that way /She felt it everyday /And I couldn't help her /I just watched her make /The same mistakes again /What's wrong, what's wrong now /Too many, too many problems /Don't know where she belongs /Where she belongs

She wants to go home but nobody's home /That's where she lies broken inside /With no place to go, no place to go /To dry her eyes/Broken inside

Open your eyes And look outside /Find the reasons why /You've been rejected /And now you can't find /What you left behind /Be strong, be strong now /Too many too many problems /Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs

Her feeling she hides /Her dream she can't find /She's losing her mind /She's fallen behind /She can't find her place /She's losing her faith /She's fallen from grace /She's all over the place "

Right, I know that's somewhat exaggerating this whole thing. What to do, I'm naturally inclined to negativity. Anyhow, I believe I'm bipolar. Because at the same time, I also know that I can find hope in God. After all, His love surpasses everything right? I know He's here, somewhere.

So, I'm ending my post in a "politically correct" way. I just ended it on a hopeful note. Right.