I feel resigned, resigned to this island, this place. At a glance, I appear strangely contented to stay put in this country. On the other hand, I may just be overly envious of those who get to get out and am, instead, in deep denial. Either way, I am staying put, right here, and not doing anything about it.
I liken that to the non-physical, non-material aspects of my life. Where I am now. Apparently, I'm staying put too. And not doing anything about it. I'm living as if I'm on my own, without God. That just means I'm sooo hell-damnable. Nonetheless I'm thankful, that I'm reminded every now and then that He is right here. Actually, I'm not staying put. I'm not moving, yes, but I'm sliding down like nobody's business. Well, it's God's business; He's not letting go of me, like it or not. But I feel resigned to it.
Yet in another part of my life, I feel resigned, again. Resigned to my own feelings of inadequacy. Of not being good enough, and never will be good enough. I'm afraid to fail even before it happens. I'm afraid to start believing in it.
But all these, they're not without reason. I've been stuck in a repeating cycle for the longest time ever. And the longer I'm in, the more it repeats, then the less resolute I am, that something will change. I feel resigned to it. I could do things about it, I could choose to try and not give up. But at the back of my mind, I'm already telling myself that it's gonna end up the same way, the way that I know well enough. I feel resigned.
Perhaps I'm afraid to fail. Afraid to experience pain. Worse, afraid to become a source of pain. Or stubborn. Or just plain lazy.
In my mind, I know it. I know that there's hope, there's light. But my heart doesn't believe that. My heart, is just tired. And of course, resigned.
2 comments:
hi, as usual you are beating yrself up again. And im thinking its from reading about other ppl's worldly travels. Its probably time to change your view point, tho you heard it a 1000 times. But i believe one day im going to travel the world. Be it 2 years after a good job, or when im so sick of working that i just drop everything to do so. There are mnay ppl who have done it, search Nick vujiac who is disabled but preaches or matt who dances ard the world on youtube. Time is short and we are born into a life that we can actually do what we want cause we can financially and physically. So trust in God to send you wings to fly to where you wanna go. Seeya at practice...
Assuming that's you, JY; well thanks. But actually, that post really wasn't about not getting to travel; that was just one short paragraph, and it's the rest that is more cause for any concern. What I said about it, was really 1) just to start off my post as an introduction idea, and 2) to lead to something else that actually mattered. So don't worry, I'm really not beating myself up for not getting to travel. It's really quite a relatively insignficant issue, if it is even an issue. See ya all next week.
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