Completely inconsequential, irrational, angry and emo-ish entry. You've been warned.

I can't remember if it happened within a second or over a couple of hours. But it happened. The sudden realisation of it all. Not that I haven't had that inkling. But in that evening, it was a full-blown 'shot-in-the-head'. I had to get away. Run back. I had to leave them behind, and finally face God. Oh, the former I did, but the latter, haven't had the courage yet. Still, back in the room, it was a complete breakdown. The worthlessness, uselessness, unworthiness, and the sinfulness, of it all.
There's a part of me that is unwilling to be broken. It's a part of me, yet it doesn't seem like it is; for if it is, why can't I control it? Or perhaps, I can, but I'm actually unwilling to..? Begs the question: Who am I, really? What choice do I really want to make? I'm so scared of being the Hebrews 6:4-6 person.

Haven't done anything right. Have done everything wrong. Haven't done anything well. Have done everything badly. Haven't tried. Have slacked away. Haven't obeyed. Have rebelled. At the end of the day, I'm unsatisfied, drained and angry. I've been dwelling in the wrong places; that is, everywhere but in God.
So wrung out by it all, I can only shake my head, conveying that I don't want to talk about it. I know I know. I know what I need to do now, I know what would restore me. But as it is, I have neither the motivation, desire nor any ability to do it. Even I myself want to shake myself up, give myself a tight slap and push myself and yell at myself to Move On. But I can't. I want to cry and yell and beat up people. I guess that should serve as warning, to my kind friends out there. As my cousin would testify, I'm easily offended and annoyed if there is even a hint of insult, even if it's an innocent remark. I already know I'm good for nothing, and I already have everything telling me that, so, enough is enough dammit.

As much as all these are irrational and just plain angsty, it's not a joke. It's never funny when a person's self-worth is questioned. Oh, not questioned, .. erased, more like.

I guess it hurt because the 'erasers' are people with whom I tried to understand and be on their side. It came not from events, but from the look in their eyes and their words and actions. Suddenly, you're erased from anything that mattered, to something inconsequential. Something wrong. Something to say Bye to quickly. Something that don't matter anymore.

Thanks, I'm leaving all you behind, then. God, wait for me, please. Give me just a moment or two, but please wait. Don't even know, don't even believe, that I'll ever get there, but.. wait?