..to meet the deadlines, with a "-s" right there. Apparently, freewriting didn't stick. My distractions proved to be too strong.
I feel like I've failed even before I complete my first draft! In fact, I feel like I failed before actually doing many things. So, I quit, even before they begin. But this thesis thing, I can't quit even if I wanted to, and I don't want to quit. I want to complete it.
But in all sense of the phrase, The spirit is willing, but the body is weak! There's some disconnection within my neural senses. Wernicke's area, something-whatever area? I'm thinking and thinking, I have these ideas, but I can't put them out in words. Can't freewrite even if I wanted to. (And yet I'm writing now.)
It frustrates me. And it's making a wreck out of me. I was seriously determined to stay up one night and the day after, to work on it; but I was too concerned for my health (the mental part) to proceed with that in the end. But I did sleep very late, or very early. The next day? Same thing. Productivity obviously did not increase.
My writing has been coming about in spurts. I write a substantial amount in a moment, the next I'm unmotivated and confused and just stuck. My paragraphs are disconnected and seem to be in the right and wrong place at the same time. The rarity of my topic already make it insignificant. I'm incoherent!
I take full responsibility. The fault totally lies in me. And I'm ashamed of not being able to meet the expectations. I'm disappointed with myself.
I'm failing myself, failing my supervisor, failing God.
1000 words a day? That's my ambition, but I know clearly by now that I'm incapable of that. 700 then. Or 500 at least.
I remember being described as being a very honest person, that I don't hesitate to talk about my flaws and struggles. I'll like to stay that way, be open and honest. In addition, I shall try not to sink into self-pity. Admitting your flaws is not the same as exaggerating them.
That was like 354 words! If only it was such a breeze writing my thesis.
On a random note: I noticed that I've been making spelling errors, being unsure of grammar, and I can't concentrate that much on reading... If I was a hypochondriac, I'll be paranoid about neural degeneration.
I should get started on that 500-700 words.
1 comment:
Hey Hozzy dear,
Breathe! Take a breather... Don't stress yourself, but one thing that is key when doing your thesis is serious discipline. You can take breaks but discipline is a must if not distractions and what not take over before you even realise... I know the pain of writing a thesis because I had to do a double thesis and 50 000 words to be written in a month almost drove me to insanity... But I got it done with sheer hard work and determination... I spent everyday of one month doing nothing but typing away and churning both thesis out... It was a time of early starts to my day and late nights and the cycle repeats... But well all I can say is research and write... Jia you! :D Well go out after your're finished for a really relaxing and satisfying day... Ikea again maybe? :D
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