I can't even remember how it started, how I started to believe that I've lost it. Think think... The danger is that, maybe it has been all an illusion, that I have been deceiving myself and depriving myself and resisting. But I'm not sure anyways. Ugh..

can't grasp hold of it anymore. In the beginning, I could think into the problem clearly, and say this is the problem, and everything about it. But I guess I was wrong to think that, as long as I breathe and continue living life, I could always look at my hand when I wanted and analyse the problem rightly, so that, as least, I can turn back when I can. But now, it's gone? It has dissipated into vapour. It still exists, but I can no longer think through the problem. And so, it's very confusing. And creates a world of chaos whenever I try to think about it. It's like the path behind, has been covered by fallen leaves; the path is still there for me to walk back to the point when I stepped off the right path, but I can't see it. And there's nothing, everywhere. Just all things miserable. I try to think about what's going on, but it leads instantly to nothing, to just badness.

don't really know how to describe it. I just know, it's all mixed up, a whole mess.

I don't know how some Christians (that is, if they really are true believers), can live life as normal as other nonChristians, knowing that God exists, knowing that He loves them.. yet .. As I say this, I have some people in mind, but heck it. I mean, if you believe in God and proclaim that you love Him, won't you have the desire to constantly put in the effort to glorify Him in any way you can? Won't you want to show the world that you are a child of God? But some of you proclaim it, yet don't live it. But okay, even I do that. But this is the best part, why AREN'T you bothered by it? Why does it seem okay, why is there no nagging at the back of your mind, to say, Hey this doesn't seem very right. And then you come church on Sundays, sing a few songs, you pray. Well, maybe it was real, maybe it was truly a spiritual moment. Or maybe the songs just sounded..nice to sing with. but say, it was genuine. Then what? You go back home, and the rest of the days. Okay so maybe you utter your prayers at every meal, before you sleep. But your heart, do you really love God? What does it mean to love God? If such a stagnant life doesn't bother you, I don't know where that love is, because, I believe that love will convict you, will make you feel uneasy, knowing that you're living life without God.

I don't know if I'm bothered by it. I don't know if I'm okay with living life without God. Maybe I have rejected Him, maybe I haven't. But if I have, I'm doomed right. I shall be burnt.

I don't even know why I'm putting this for all you to see, because I don't really want to. And I can choose not to put it up. But yet, here it is. Perhaps, I just don't want to be a hypocrite. Because when one doesn't want to burden others with something as evil as rejecting God, one becomes a hypocrite. But here's my wish, to go on like it's okay, cuz Hey!!! it's probably really just okay. No big deal.

I think, maybe this is all partly contributed by my thoughts on those people I just ranted about. Just partly, but nevertheless.. Cuz it's unfair. Unfair that I can't be like them, that I have to be so troubled spiritually, that I have to go through all this, while they have it easy. Dammit.