life of envy

I might have been living a life of envy. How unhealthy. I'm not tall, not pretty, don't have pretty hair. I'm not smart, and I don't say the smartest things. I'm not good at making friends. I'm not easily remembered after first-time acquaintances. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't draw. I can't even play an instrument well. I don't write well. I'm not neat. I'm not artistic. I don't have good taste in food, fashion, entertainment. I don't have a nice voice. I don't have good complexion. I don't have a straight set of teeth, and they aren't sparkly white. I can't do sports. I can't lead. I can't make decisions. I can't even smile right. I'm not funny. I don't say witty things. I don't have strong opinions on issues. I make people unhappy. I don't know what to say to encourage, to help. I'm not faithful to God.
More often than not, I've been trying to be things I'm not. I've been trying to attain a certain status, so that when people see me, they see someone fun and cool to be with. So, sometimes I blurt out stupid things, that don't make sense. And I laugh in my mind, at myself, What the hell are you saying and what for?!?!
I don't know much about those arty farty stuff, and I won't lie about it. I don't know about this certain pub or club or bar, and I don't know about drinks and vodka and whatever. I don't know about Christian bands. I don't know about guitar. I don't know music. I don't have cool clothes. I don't have dyed hair, nor cool and funky hairstyle. I wear tops and jeans and my old Teva slippers.
I probably look like I don't care. But truth is, I feel rejected. And left out. And out of the way. Out of topic. I'm never that cool.
However, if I fully understood the identity of Christ in me, I would not be sensing rejection. I wouldn't be trying to do things to announce my existence. I wouldn't be trying to pretend to be even fairly good in something. I'll be satisfied at my appearance, at my (lack of) talents, for what we have in Him overcomes everything else. IF I believed in that.
I envy one more thing. I envy people who can be satisfied with not having to look nice and cool, and who have found satisfaction, instead, in Christ.