Thoughts

I think God, without giving obvious heads-up, might have increased the power of my social battery. For a long while now, I have not felt that sense of mental exhaustion after hanging out with people, especially by the end of Saturdays and Sundays. Instead, I’m aware of how I wanted to build better relationships with a few friends and was genuinely enthusiastic about it and did not get tired over it.

Then again, part of me thinks that perhaps I’ve been tired over many other things, so I’m not as aware as before about how social interaction drains my energy too. Especially with my very very poor sleep patterns, this is very likely so.

Still, what's truly different with me is that I've been truly desiring to work on those relationships (before, I did it because I recognised that I should and had to). And I thank God for that desire to love His people that way.

Anyway, the recent CNY celebrations have really tested my limits again and so by the third day, I relived that feeling of being ‘run dry’. I remember that by the time we arrived at the last place of visitation in the evening, I didn’t have much left in me. Just sat around wondering what’s next. Dinner? Oh, we are all waiting for it to start, okay let’s wait. There’s something showing on the TV, okay let’s watch that. I’m hungry… Oh yes, we are waiting for dinner to start. Why are we waiting? Er, don’t know, let’s just wait. Okay dinner time, I’ll just sit here. What’s this on my plate? Just eat it. 

Kudos to TE for making sure I was fed. I remember telling him, Okay I’m no longer functioning, battery run out. You need to tell me what to do next. Hah!

I thank God for His strength, and pray that He continues to help me love others above myself. I pray against the possibility that my perceived increase in social energy is actually because I’ve been more superficial in my relationships with others. I hope not! If that is true, God please open my eyes to what I’m not doing right. Amen.

Speaking of superficiality, if I'm most interested in deepening existing relationships and not so am not genuine (at that point in time) to make new ones, does that make me a bad leader when I look out for those existing friends instead of new people? Won't I be just as bad if I approach a new friend just to make awkward conversations peppered with standard 'getting to know you' questions (and answers I won't remember anyway)? Introversion and leadership really don't go together, especially when leaders are expected to be 'out there' in order to be 'good leaders'. Ugh.